If asked to think of a lesbian, most people’s thoughts drift to the stereotypical image of a butch lesbian. It may come as a surprise to some that this is not the only type of lesbian that exists, oh no — there are some who are “femmes.”

For those of you who don’t know, “femme” refers to feminine-looking lesbians (e.g., my fiancée and me). Such women are also known as “lipstick lesbians,” but this tends to be more associated with feminine lesbians who like other feminine lesbians. This is a phrase I’ve always liked and used, and I only recently found out that others avoid using it, pointing to its supposed links to male sexual fantasy.

Despite slightly increased visibility (mainly thanks to fictional characters), one issue remains for femme lesbians: how to be recognised as being a lesbian. People look for the telltale signs to figure out whether a woman is a lesbian or not: short hair, no makeup, wearing baggy jeans and a t-shirt. Some lesbians can be spotted right away, and there are those who are a mix between masculine and feminine and are slightly easier to spot, especially for the well-trained lesbian eye. But what about femmes?

We suffer from femme invisibility. We mainly slip under the radars of both straight and gay people. For example, I used to go out gay clubbing twice a week whilst at university (the majority of my friends were gay males), and it was very hard for me to find a lady when out because 1) other lesbians most likely assumed I was straight or a “fag hag,” and 2) I assumed the majority of pretty ladies in the club were straight or fag hags. See the dilemma? I often felt that flashing a neon sign proclaiming “Yes, I am gay” would help. I’ve also observed the frequency of couplings of femmes with butch lesbians; it seems far rarer to see a femme/femme couple. I’ve toyed with the idea of ditching my heels, dress, and lipstick for a polo shirt, jeans, and Converse sneakers for a night out, just to see what would happen, but I just couldn’t do it. Luckily, I ended up meeting my lovely other half online, and three years later we are engaged.

Many other femmes ask us how to find fellow femmes to date, and the answer is that it’s not easy. Looking femme has its disadvantages: not only is it harder for femme lesbians to find girlfriends and avoid those fears of being “forever alone,” but femme lesbians also get looked at by other lesbians like we don’t belong, and straight people don’t believe we’re gay. Don’t get me started on the hassle I get from straight males, who often say things to me like, “But you’re too pretty to be gay,” or, “Who wears the trousers?” So femme lesbians are left wondering, “Where exactly do I fit in, and where can I find others like me?”