1. “Money can’t buy you happiness”
Bollocks. Imagine saying that to a homeless person. I hope someone who says this wins the lottery so I can snatch the ticket away from them and either rip it in half in front of their stupid condescending face or take it for myself and politely tell them that as they believe that “money can’t buy you happiness” they probably also believe one of the many stupid sayings about good deeds that I can’t think of off the top of my head, before buying a mansion, employing someone to wipe my arse when it all gets stuck in my anal beard, and purchasing the rights to the Daleks from the Terry Nation estate and making sure those damned multicoloured monstrosities are never mentioned again. This will make me happy. So it’s bollocks.

2. “Hard work is its own reward”
Really? See that bicycle there? Eat it. The whole thing. No, I’m not joking. Yes, I know it’ll be difficult, but it’s not impossible, I saw it on Kenan & Kel. It’ll just be hard work. Then dig me a hole. A deep hole. What d’you mean, “what for?” it’s hard work, mush.

3. “Laughter is the best medicine”
Now I’m as big a fan of laughter as the next man. Love a joke, be it a basic pun, a terribly inappropriate Diana joke or an elaborately set-up gag, but I ruptured my kidney a couple of years ago. People came in to the hospital to cheer me up. It worked, in the sense that it cheered me up. Didn’t fix my fucking kidney, it hurt like shit for months afterwards. And if Hulk Hogan’s autobiography is to be believed (and if you can’t believe Hulk Hogan, who can you believe?) then Andre the Giant bloody loved a laugh. Apparently he took a big shit in a bath once ’cause his arse was too, well, giant for the toilet. He found it hilarious. Didn’t stop his blummin’ gigantism from spiralling out of control. If laughter really were the best medicine, I’d be watching Andre tear it up with the likes of Rey Mysterio now, and it would be heaps of fun. So that’s rubbish.

4. “Failing to plan is planning to fail”
Untrue. True story – I’ve planned a grand total of one essay in my life. And if I recall I didn’t do particularly well in comparison to any others. And nobody plans to fail. “I’ve written this shit, it’s gonna fail” is entirely different from “I’ve decided I’m gonna fail this coursework,” thank you very much. In reality, failing to plan is doing hundreds of infinitely more interesting things – playing Tetris for seven hours for example. Watching episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? from 1994. Scratching oneself. You see where I’m going with this. And many of the best things are unplanned – I was once entirely prepared for a quiet night in watching the telly before an impromptu evening out ended with a chunky girl sat in a bath with me shaving me.

5. “The only good Indian is a dead Indian”
Now that’s just racist. I’ve had some fantastic curries in my time.