Guilty:  A Life Sentence

She sat, relaxing in the porch swing, watching the morning sun.  Another sleepless night, the dark circles under her eyes getting darker by the day or night.  Her past haunted her beyond reason for the last few weeks and she just wanted to stop thinking, stop dreaming, but did that mean stop living? 

Guilt seeped through every open pore of her body.  Why?  She hadn’t done anything wrong but finally found the one thing she had been waiting for all her life.  Fear covered the guilt.  Pain she inflicted on herself because she worried about hurting her family and friends if she decided to let the flood waters out and the truth of her feelings were revealed. 

There would be not relief, no moving forward until she put it all down on paper.  The words of friends and family constantly ran through her head.  She was reminded constantly of days in the past.  Disappointment, hurt, pain that she had received at the hands, well at the words of others.  If she didn’t do something soon, it was going to cause irreparable damage to her marriage.  She could no longer control her emotions.  She was ready to explode and it was not going to take much to send her over the edge. 

She had to make a decision.  The decision was going to hurt someone no matter what she decided.  That was not what she wanted, but how to get around it?  What was the answer?  She had given it to God on more than one occasion, but being human she always picked it up.  It seemed it was alright for everyone else to speak their mind, no matter if it hurt her or not, but she was never allowed to say how she felt or what she truly wanted to say to people. 

Her head ached again.  Her body ached.  She was tired of the demons that she constantly fought.  She just wanted to be herself.  She just wanted to be happy, care free and loved, safe in the arms of her husband.  Secure in the life that she had and was living, but it escaped her reach.  It was just pass her fingertips.  She could almost touch it, but she was going to have to take that last step.  Could she do it?  Would she have the courage and strength to do it?  Now was the time to find out, but was she willing to live with the consequences.  That was the real question.