What started in the USA with ridiculous claims way back in the last millennium is spreading like the Swine-flu through formerly normal countries. Britain is more and more beset by the lunacy of Health and Safety riding on the back of bedlamite judges applying the law in a way that is bereft of any common sense. Maybe it all started with a microwave.

The microwave I am referring to was an American citizen, or rather its owner was, and that owner put his (or was it her?) dog into the microwave to dry it off after being out with it in the rain. This person sued the microwave company for damages, and lo and behold the hand of God intervened in the brain (if there was one) of the judge, and that person was accorded damages. I am with the creationists there; it must have been the hand of God, as neither common sense nor any properly applied laws cover gross stupidity.

From there, God’s hand lay heavily on American judges, squeezing out all blood from their brains (as shown in the decision on the votes Bush vs. Gore), and adding an indefinite number of zeroes to any claim made. I am still waiting for the first case where somebody sues a knife manufacturer for cutting his finger and being awarded a sum of over 100 billion. Sounds fair to me.

But meanwhile, God had found that he had a second hand, and this he placed heavily on Britain. Judges here acquit paedophiles on grounds of being seduced by children, and accord damages to parents whose children had minor mishaps on school premises or other public or semi-public places. This parental greed leads to the most wonderful ideas in health and safety rules. Let’s have a look at some highlights.

• Last Xmas in a church in Britain, children called candle bearers forming part of the Xmas service were banned from bearing candles due to fear of burns.
• A policeman asked to sit on a bicycle (sit, not drive) for a photo shoot for the press refused to do so on grounds of health and safety.
• School children are made to wear goggles before using Blu Tack.
• Teachers are issued a five page leaflet with each Pritt Stick prior to being allowed to open it.
• Empty egg boxes may not be used for making objects anymore for containing salmonella.
• Running in the playground is forbidden for fear of falling.
• Pictures in schools have to be hanged higher than 7 feet high.
• Girls are forbidden to wear plastic hair bands for fear of accidents (obviously boys are better at dealing with them).
• Children are not allowed outside without a hat and sunscreen (and yes, it was raining again all yesterday).
• Three-legged races are banned from sports day for being too dangerous.
• Physical education is being called off when the grass is wet.
• Balls are forbidden on playgrounds.
• Children are not allowed to eat sweets for fear of choking.

And just to make it clear, I didn’t make even one of them up. All this idiocy is due to greedy parents seizing every opportunity to squeeze money out of their children. You might say they are suing the school or whatever and not their children, but in reality they are making live hell for all children and most of the still fairly normal grown-ups (a majority of judges don’t fall into this category).

Doesn’t it just shriek out for more rules? I give you a little list with ideas what else desperately needs to be addressed by health and safety rules. I’ll leave it to you to find the reason why.

• Cars are not allowed on public roads.
• Airplanes are not allowed to fly.
• Ships are not allowed on water.
• Swimming pools must be empty of water.
• Ovens may only be heated to 35 degrees.
• Windows above ground floor level may not be opened.
• Balconies may not be used.

Feel free to make your own contributions to these lists in the comments section.

And remember, if you don’t live in either of these afflicted countries, God still has two feet to place.