2.5 million years ago, Homo Habilus appeared. He said, don’t start a sentence with a number. We paid no attention. H.H. used stone tools. They were better at fracturing skulls than regular baseball bats that used to break off at the handle. Before using, you had to check to make sure you didn’t slam a guy on the head with the label side. When H.H. stated tying rocks to the bats that was real progress.

Image by nikoretro via Flickr

Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

H.H. lived in the Lower Paleolithic and lived along side Homo Erectus until 1.44 million years ago. Of course, Homo Erectus was really scary, just like Homo Habilus, so they got together well.

Homo Erectus’ brain was 74% the size of ours, but obviously that had something to do with the Erectus side of the equation. They evolved in Africa. At about this time Homo Georgicus (Republic of Georgia, in the former Soviet Union) ruled the Steppes.
By 1.5 million years ago, guys like Homo Egaster were shown to have the control of fire, using fire engines, hoses, and wearing funny hats. Before that they just watched the buildings burn down. Now, they sprayed it with water. They were 6.2 feet tall.

Humans share 99% of their genes with Neanderthal man, but on the other hand, they also share 99% of them with chimpanzees, so don’t think those Neanderthal guys were so smart. This was 516,000 years ago, when Neanderthal guys said to Neanderthal girls, “I want to rock your world.”

160,000 years ago Homo Sapiens showed up. 10,000 years later Mitochondrial Eve was born. Finally, thank heaven. She was from East Africa, on the other side of the Potomac, and went to a private girls’ college, before they were outlawed.

50,000 years ago the M168 mutation occurred, resulting in all non-African males, who were so snobby, they lived in the Upper Paleolithic.

By 40,000 BC, Cro Magnon guy (Europe) showed up. Some of them are still trapped in the Canary Islands, it’s said.

By 25,000 BC Neanderthals died out, after losing their girlfriends’ phone numbers. Commentators speculate that Neanderthals had red hair, which made Neanderthal girls really popular with Cro Magnon guys, resulting in a lot of skull fractures for Neanderthal guys.

12,000 years ago began the Mesolithic/Holocene Age, and we lived among wooly Mammoths, Saber toothed tigers, and kids had snow days left and right. This was really cool, but an asteroid crashed down in the Gulf of Mexico causing a huge oil spill that toppled a lot of platforms there and then came Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Se$ha, so everything is okay now.