Sick of being manipulated by an untrustworthy partner, a child who disobeys your every request, and coworkers that undermine your success? Most people plain out suck and do everything they can to hurt you.

  I’m going to teach you what to say and do to win a fight. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you with this street-wise 15-tip guide to shield yourself from verbal brutality:   1. Use mental rehearsal. Psychologists for years have known the power of rehearsing an event in one’s mind before the real thing takes place. By visualizing a conversation before it occurs, you become strong, stubborn, and unmoving to the faults of another person’s illogical logic.   If you know your spouse will accuse you of always thinking about yourself, shout back a time your partner was selfish. If you know your laziness will be sniped, think of all the times you were busy and overworked. Visualize exactly how you’ll start the conversation and counter-attack their moves to corner the person and guarantee yourself victory.   2. The best defense is the best offense. Keep this in mind at all times. Whenever you’re cornered, vulnerable, and prone to damage, enter rampage mode. The mindset here is to steal the ball from the person’s hands and go hard, doing as much damage as you can to make your initial actions look good.   Did your partner spot you sneaking a peak at that young waiter? Tell your woman you wouldn’t oogle at hot women if she wasn’t so boring. The guilt you’ve established in her will make you the victor.   Did your friend accuse you of stealing his beer? Tell him he shouldn’t be a jerk all the time. Did your boss catch you snooping around on his laptop? You better put your boss in a defensive position before he can fire you. Tell him to let you go free otherwise you’ll report him for the stash of drugs you placed found in his drawer.   3. Dodge like a butterfly… then sting like a bee. When you must be defensive, get ready to dodge. Change topics if you feel you’re losing the fight. Default phrases to help you slide in another topic for discussion include, “That reminds me… “Speaking of…” “Funny you should say that because…”   Laughter is another good tool that releases your tension and shows you don’t care even though you’re collapsing inside.   Politicians are your idols at dodging bullets. Model your favorite evasive politician by slipping in random comments that shift the conversational subject to something you desire to speak more of.   4. Build allies. Not all relationships are bad. Relationships are useful when ally parties join to fight for your cause. Establish an ally of coworkers to single out the problematic coworker. Reinforce your point to a stranger by teaming with friends. Martial arguments can be easily won when the children are on your side. With people comes protection and strength. “Relationships are useful when ally parties join to fight for your cause.”   5. Generalize, distort, and delete what you hear. Good Good listening is poison to good relationships. Should you accurately hear what someone says, you might discover the truth and start connecting with the person. Yuck. It’s best you minimize good listening by manipulating information intake with these three tactics:

1. Generalize. Turn one statement into an overarching belief with exaggerations that disorient your victim. They ask, “Can you do the dishes?” You say: “You always make me do the dishes”, “You never do the dishes”, or “All-the-time you control me”.
2. Distort. Alter what they say so they’re the villain and you’re the victim. They say, “I need you to be home on the weekend.” You say: “You don’t want me to have fun”, “You’re trying hard to make me avoid friends”, or “Man, you hate me”.
3. Delete. Simply skip important information. Ignorance is key here. “To succeed in life,” said Mark Twain, “you need two things: confidence and ignorance.”

6. Be extraneously attentive. Just because you should generalize, distort, and delete information when listening, doesn’t mean you fully ignore someone. It’s best you adhere to what teacher of conscious living Richard Moss said: “The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” Give people your well-developed attention if you want to win a fight. Your motto here is to “Know more about the enemy than he knows about himself”. One way to do this is to pick on intricate details that display the person’s imperfection. If you know a girl is insecure about her front teeth, tell her she’s an ugly Bugs Bunny. If a guy mispronounces a word, point it out. If your spouse stumbles over the carpet during an argument, call your uncoordinated other “clumsy”. Be attentive to drill out flaws.   7. Always be right. You’re a perfect human being. Everyone else is a jerk. The moment others learn this, your life will be easy. Until then, you must criticize and complain about other people’s (incorrect) opinions. Ignore the principle of consistency. You’re not weighed down by past decisions because you’re a clear, rational human being. If other people fail to see how you’re right, it’s because they’re dumb. “…your job is to contend why one plus one equals a window.” If you’re explaining what one plus one equals – and you get it wrong – your job is to contend why one plus one equals a window or how it equals three because of synergistic principles.   8. Never fix a problem you made. Remember, you’re always right, which means whatever you do is how destiny is suppose to play out. Anyone that makes you think otherwise must be verbally stoned. Since there’s no modern day option of a public stoning, you can publicly humiliate them by drawing attention to their faults like how the person has wronged you. Did your friend accuse you of stealing his girlfriend? It was hardly his girlfriend if she cheated on him. Don’t apologize or amend a mistake because that concedes defeat and makes you look weak. Apologizing has no benefits. It’s in your best interest to leave forgiveness to religious followers.   9. Be your own person never dependent on others. Weak people depend on others, but not you. You’re strong and independent. When you know people are untrustworthy and it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, the only person you can trust is yourself. If you want something to get done, it’s up to you. Getting other people to do things is slow anyway. Successful, happy individuals like Bill Gates do everything themselves to ensure things get done the right way.   10. Block out emotion. You’re an unemotional being because emotions have thwarted your survival in the past. Darwin would be proud of your unique evolution. Crazed females, asylum attendees, and the weak are the ones controlled by emotion. Smart people are the best communicators because they communicate with logic. If another person gets emotional, it’s best you feign ignorance as it’s an attempt to derail you from supremacy. The only time you want to be emotional is when you repeat words at a louder volume.   11. Use superior vocabulary. No one can win an argument against you when you pick apart their delusional misconstructions of rationale at present. Slotting in large words within your vocabulary gives you the added benefit of talking longer, making you more likely to convince another person against his or her will.   12. Be respectful only when you’re respected. When you’re verbally punched, break the rules of good relationships. Throw in a low jab then bite the persons ear because their actions justify your retaliation. Only treat people well when they treat you well. Relationships are an Enron investment to be avoided. Minimize your costs in relationships when possible. “Use degrading terms, but give them a righteous foundation with clear logic.”   13. Advanced name-calling. Children call others names like “Stupid-head” and “Big ears”. You’re more mature. Use degrading terms, but give them a righteous foundation with clear logic. Think through an insult to leave your opponent prone to follow-up attacks.   14. Start a meta argument. You may run dry on ammunition leaving you with little to attack someone. In these desperate times, shift the argument to a meta state by arguing about how they’re arguing. If they’re slow to respond to a point, use a Major Payne line, “Ta, ta, ta, today junior!” If they don’t change their mind, call them “thick”. If they misunderstand you, tell them they’re “ignorance is laughable”. With this infinite supply of ammo, you’re guaranteed to shoot down your enemy.   15. Walk away. If all the mentioned techniques fail to win you the argument, give up in disgust and walk away. The person is stubborn, not you.

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