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In my Self-Help (Selfish-Helpless) Seminars I have heard this question many times, “Dr. Holbrook, how can I get eaten by a bear?” And I think I know where these people are coming from. Being eaten by a bear combines the thrill of getting close to nature with the excitement of a near-death (or, death) experience. It’s really a win-win.  And let’s not forget the bear who gets a good meal out of all this, so I think we would have to call it a win-win-win.

First, let’s talk about the geography of the situation. Bears are not pizzas and they will not just show up on your doorstep accompanied by a pimply faced teenager looking for a tip. And since bears cannot be delivered to us, we must go to where the bears are. At this point we want to target specific bear types as well. Polar bears may look cute sliding down a snowy hill drinking soda, but they are, in fact, vicious killers, so find a Polar bear if that is more convenient for you.  Grizzly bears are also viable candidates in the getting-eaten-by-a-bear scenario. They are like sharks on land and can smell blood from miles away. Extensive scientific studies have shown that Black bears are pussies who at best may only maul you, and that gets you no closer to your goal of being eaten by a bear. And don’t even get me started on Pandas and Koalas. They will not eat you unless you look like bamboo or smell like eucalyptus. Even then you may only get gnawed on slightly, and that is technically not getting eaten by a bear. So let’s remain focused on where and how to find the Polar bears and Grizzly bears.

We’ve already mentioned the need to go where the bears are, so where are they? Brown bears also known as Grizzlies can get up to ten feet tall and weigh as much as a car. So they should be easy to spot once you get close. They are similar in size to Polar bears and are the best choice for eating you because they are so mean. Many animals have a survival instinct that drives them to kill if necessary to eat in order to survive. The Grizzly bear is an animal that will eat you just for fun, even if it has already eaten and is quite full. That is just how mean they are.