Have you ever wanted to run fast? Be the next Usain Bolt? Well, it’s easy. Very, very easy. Just follow these 4 simple steps, and you will run faster than you’ve ever dreamed…

1. OIL YOUR FEET

Remember to use enough oil on the soles of your feet, this can lead to many great things. Any oil should do, cooking oil, baby oil, even hair oil! Not only will you win the race, your shining feet will pose for the cameras. Don’t worry, slipping won’t cause any problems. If you slip, you’ll either stumble at a quicker pace in front, or you’ll knock somebody else out of the race. Plus, friction will be prevented!

2. WEAR YOUR SHIRT INSIDE OUT

I honestly have no idea how this works…

3. LET THE AXE EFFECT HELP YOU

Before you run the race, make sure to put on a good deal of Axe deodorant. Preferably Axe Vice, because that smells really good. The deodorant will have a good smell, distracting the other opponents. Also, a bunch of screaming women will be following you (unless the person reading this is a girl, then use a deodorant you enjoy and the opposite will happen… I guess). Now, who doesn’t want that? The women will be a barrier for the other opponents, and the security won’t be able to do anything as they’d probably be run over by a stampede of high heels… Ouch. But the real reason for using Axe is actually very scientific. You see, the molecules of Axe have the special molecules Axeiumitis. These molecules are a combination of oxygen and sodium (do not ask how). The Axeiumitis particles have an ability to attract women, and repel air molecules, causing absolutely no air resistance. The things that Axe can do, huh?

4. USE GATORADE

This is probably the most important step. However, do not drink the Gatorade. That won’t help at all. Instead, pour a 1 litre bottle on each of your armpits (make sure to shave, or it will not work). The armpit molecules are especially designed to absorb the distinctive fumes of Gatorade, and not some Dove deodorant stick bullshit. When the armpits inhale the Gatorade, they tend to release a vapor that can make you fly. You can simply glide to the finish line. Remember, it’s not Red Bull that gives you wings, but your amused armpits.

I hope this guide helped, and hopefully we’ll show Usain Bolt that it’s not lightning, but it’s oil, Axe and Gatorade.