Currently I am listening to a song that I listened to when I wrote about Scott leaving me the first time.  And it was all in my head too.  According to him he just didnt check him email the whole time I thought he had been “ignoring” me.  Ohhh well.  I never thought of THAT.  So I wrote a really sad poem about how I told him my secret that i was ill, and how he left me, “drowned” in my secret because he didnt write to me after that.  WELL, he wrote back saying “Where were you?”  And I had written him about ten emails after his last one to me, because I was trying to change his mind about writing to me.  SO now he is gone AGAIN but this time for real, since he didnt write to me since September.  The other time he didnt write to me for about a week or two.  So sad.  But I think if telling him I was schizophrenic didnt scare him away, then my BEING schizophrenic scared him away, because I wrote to him a ton of love mail.  I thought it would be OK since i wrote to him a ton of mail twice before and he still came back.  Like ten emails every time he left for about a week, twice. 

I dont know why Im listening to all the love songs I put on my playlist a long time ago…because theyre going to make me cry.

Theyre not even GOOD songs!  Sheesh! 

Anyway, and I hate when I say anyways, …that …umm what was i saying?  Scott?  I dont know why i love him.  He is older than me which there is a trend there of me liking older men.  my professor was in his late thirties when i met him.  he was cute.  and smart.  but mean.  he made fun of me.  scott NEVER made fun of me.  Except when i said “concubation” instead of “incubation” and he said, “Is that what concubines do?”  He didnt know I purposely left that in.  It was a real mistake that I could have erased, but I wanted to leave the concubine-like word in because I wanted him to think of sex…and me, since it was my letter.  I even said things like, open, or longing, or just the sexual type of words used for wanting somebody or doing something with somebody, and I was hoping hed notice but not know for sure if i was doing it because it was so subtle, at least I thought it was!

I like to think I was smart for doing that.  For chasing the men I want.  Except this last time I met a Teachers Assistant and he stopped writing to me and I did nothing weird this time.  He took his picture down too.  I wondered why he didnt write to me since Thanksgiving.  I think he is not interested in me anymore and i dont know why.  Maybe i was boring in conversation.  Since he has his phD maybe he thinks I am too stupid to talk to him.  But my professor had his phD and wanted to talk to me.  My other professor with a phd said i was his wife and liked it when I called his house, which i havent done bc he is perverted.

Ooo Look i am listening to Ariel (from the Little Mermaid) sing!  I wonder if the younger audience even KNOWS what the little mermaid is.  Are they stupid or something?  ITS THE LITTLE MERMAID!!  What planet are YOU from?  Oh, the YOUNGER planet, I see.  Well, then you know nothing.

Hahahha.  That’s my lecture.