Now that you have gone my love, I feel as if I want to stop the world and get off. No longer will I feel your loving arms around me, or be able to laugh with you, cry with you, be sad or angry with you. During our life together we shared every emotion possible, we survived the hard times, and our love was stronger because of it. I feel so desolate and alone, but I am not alone, I have the love and support of our children, but they are suffering too, so I must hide my grief, and try to do my suffering inside,  and it’s so hard.

This house is full of you. There is your chair, the cushions slightly ruffled, exactly how you left them. Your side of the bed is cold and empty, and I feel as though I’m lying in the wilderness. I cuddle your pyjamas every night, just to smell you next to me, but who am I kidding, it’s only a memory, you can never return.

If only I could see your car turning into the drive each night, signalling your return from work, but it’s tucked away in the garage. I will have to find a new home for it, but not yet, I can’t do it yet. Down in the shed there is the  half finished plaque you were making because our dear dog died, and you were carving out a remembrance plaque for him. You never had time to finish it my darling, as you left me without warning.

I remember that day so well. You kissed me good bye as you went to work, you said you would be a bit late as you were going to stop off and get some leaflets for the new kitchen you were going to put in for us. You were busy at work too, building a barbecue for the kids of a school with special needs. But you never got to do all the things you wanted to, because on that lovely summer’s day in June, at the age of only 53 years, you fell over and died, just like that, and I still can’t understand it.

I don’t want to understand it, a blood clot, how cruel and evil it was. I lost my best friend,  the love of my life, a wonderful husband and father, and life can never be the same again.   I go through the motions of living, but I don’t live, I just exist, because life without you is no life at all.! If only I could go back in time.