When your heart breaks, it shatters. Not only does it fall to the pit of your stomach into a million different pieces, it falls hard.. making every muscle and every bone in your body ache.
It’s quite funny actually.. ‘They’ say broken hearts are just a mental pain.. until you actually go through it you don’t realize how physical it is. It’s not psychological.. it can’t be.. if it was, explain why it makes your head hurt? Or your legs? Explain why you feel sick? So sick that you actually throw up out of nowhere some days. It’s this ill feeling that you get, and no matter how much migraine medicine that you take, or Pepto Bismol, your head will still hurt and your stomach will be still be heavy where your heart has crashed. Tell me what is psychological about that? I’m not imagining myself throwing up, and I’m not imagining being hurt. If I was just ”imagining” it it would be so much simpler. Then, I could just stop. I could just stop imagining how much pain I’m in and I could be okay.
But it isn’t that simple. Instead, you hate everything and everyone, and you hate yourself.

You’ve had your heart broken before, this is nothing new to you. But, every time it happens it feels like it’s all happening for the first time. You can recite everything over the broken relationship and you’re just reading and thinking of bad news over and over again. The thing about having it all written down, or typed up, is when you read it you feel like you’re reading it for the first time, and you’re just receiving that bad news over and over and over again.. And it somehow manages to hurt just as much as it did the first time.
You don’t cry, you don’t freak out.. it hasn’t hit you yet.
The next day comes, and you wake up.. realizing that you have no one to call and say good morning too. There isn’t anyone to walk you into school and to your classes and to carry your books for you. When you wake up, it hits you.

But you’re smiling, and you’re okay. That’s the impression you are giving to everyone else. It hasn’t affect you, it hasn’t put a hold on anything, you’re life is just as good as it was before.
But is it, really? Is it okay?

When you put all of your hope into something, and you have it thrown back into your face, it affects you. So many people are oblivious to how it can, and that just makes it worse.
You have the people that are going to say “It’ll be okay, it’s okay.” You know it’ll eventually be okay. It’s not like you are going to sit in your room for the rest of your life and cry over your high school boyfriend. Or are you?
No, you’re not. But for the time being, it’s not okay. And you are going to cry over that high school boyfriend.

You don’t exactly have friends to turn to like you did during your first heart break. You kinda thought that the worst was over with, and it was going to work out this time! I mean, there’s no way it wouldn’t! You have you “first love”, then you have your “second”, and that’s suppose to be it! Because everything is suppose to go right after that, and you’re suppose to be happy.

But that isn’t what happens. Instead you’ve given up every friend and best friend you have to focus and revolve around a relationship you’ve put every ounce of hope and faith you had left into to. So, you’re kinda dealing with it on your own, with no help from anyone. You have the few people that reach out, and they try to talk to you.. and you honestly try to talk to them. But you can’t, you don’t know how to explain to them how much it hurts and why it hurts. They weren’t in YOUR relationship. They don’t understand the little things that you did for each other that made you so happy, or the way you got so mad at yourself for falling asleep in the middle of a conversation, they don’t understand it like you do. The only person that can understand is, well, him. And you just think, if he understood, how could this happen? It’s this question that’s just in the back of your head, your whole head actually, and you can’t answer it.

The answer to your question, dear, will never be answered. It’s something that you have to learn to live with. You have to accept the things that you cannot change. Don’t sit around and hate everyone and everything, and don’t hate yourself. I promise that it’s not going to get you anywhere, and it’s not going to change a thing. Things are going to happen that you don’t like, it’s going to happen out of nowhere. It’s life, and life goes on.