When I decided to throw all our mementos away, I still couldn’t… maybe our unfinished love business is responsible for this mistake or maybe I’m just repeatedly nursing scars when they’ve already healed up…

Pardon my excessive usage of past tenses… I’ve felt miserable, angry, useless for some time… there has been so much emotions bottled up inside I could write down a litany of a thousand words to describe this “dilemma” I’m going through right now..

I’ve had my share of guilt.. ( I should’ve been mature enough to listen… I know.).. I have my instant bouts of depression, love- hate relationship stuff,,  waking up and crying in the middle of the night blues and  even nostalgia.. I can no longer sleep right (whether it’s day or night. .)..

This “I can deal with this, with or without you” attitude is wearing me out hard… now I’m torn to believing I still need you or maybe I just need to stop circling around our non-existent circus and shop around the other corner… ( I don’t know for sure.. )..

The female psyche is bound to change every millisecond of the day and I can’t even get used to the idea of meeting another man to replace YOU… ( the once- adored “love of my life” jerk who easily gave up on me just because he felt fat and I’m not.. Who told me that he forgot my roses when he didn’t really bought one for our first year anniversary date… lies.. more lies… I ended up confused and stiff- lipped…)

Nevertheless, I’ve loved you.. with all the mushy poems I wrote every 23rd of the month..;

 The photo albums  I secretly made and kept forever..

The silly, stolen photos of you  (since you’re shy enough to even look at the camera lens) when we traveled up North one chilly November. It was Thanksgiving, I remember…

We were carefree and sweet picking up strawberries and lettuces, holding hands in the middle of the busy, night flea market..

And

I could’ve sued you for destroying my weekend sleep ( you snored so loud I can barely hear my own breathing) but I still wake up delighted cause I have my “Good morning, baby” kiss.. long, slow and enjoyable..

Maybe I miss having you beside me…

But you had your chances and blown them away..

You stood me up twice.. you barely called back..

I’m not your baby no more.

i am anticipating whether I’ve done the right thing or not.. ( that is, throwing you out of my life totally by quoting the classic “I’m tired, I don’t love you anymore” or maybe it was just my way of helping you to realize that I am a keeper, be times be good or bad..)..

You took the former suggestion really quite seriously.. you didn’t even took the time to reconsider and read between the lines..

All I wanted was “ we’ll be together forever” piece and not a membership to the Lonely Hearts Club.

But as they say, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

We can never point at the same direction all exactly at the same time.

We can never understand nor fathom our differences because we are from two different genetic origins.

It was one hell of a journey but

Quite a lonely “ending” for two…

But maybe later in this life, we wouldn’t know who would be knocking back on our doorstep, right?

Surprises be damned but it wouldn’t hurt to believe in someone who’s got us all tied and hooked up once.

Like a drug injected in the veins,

They’ll flow like our blood until we die.

 (i miss you……)….