Letter to a Child Molester..

Miqdad Sibtain on May 21, 2010

Tags: abuse, agony, business, child, culture, economics, emotion, ethnicity, fear, fml, furious, gender, hatred, love, M, molestation, normative, pain, positive, psychology, race, religion, religious, science, sentiments, sex, social, sociology, Studies, terror

Letter to a child molester…

I honestly have no way of writing you to tell you how I feel. Okay, I could ask someone for your prison address, but Im not going to, what good would it do? Starting at the age of 10, you took away something so special to me..my innocence. You made me feel as though I was worth nothing more than someone’s sex toy. I went through my teen years believing thats what I had to do to get someone to like or love me. Of course, that never kept them around. It just turned me into one more slutty teenager that everyone loved to talk about behind her back.

The physical scars that cover me from years of trying to drain the emotional pain away by slicing my skin over and over, are nothing compared to the emotional scars you have left me with. I despise the way your personal pleasure and disgusting desires have forever changed my life. I kept your secret for so many reasons, mostly out of fear of being blamed myself for what was happening. When I moved out of your immediate reach, you moved on to your own daughters. Ive had to live with the guilt of knowing that I never told and perhaps could have prevented it from happening to them.

Im 28 years old and Ive still never learned to love myself. You took something that could have been special for me had you not turned it into something shameful and dirty. Im a mother myself now and I carry the fear that it will someday happen to my children. I look at their beautiful faces and when I imagine someone hurting them, its like someone is choking the life out of me.

Today brings another day of trials, trials within myself and how Iam going to cope with the notion that my partner is too nice & is working full time! I should be grateful right? Yes, Iam! But I feel like shit! I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach, the one where you feel like you need to travel or get out! Like this relationship is not benefiting you! For the first time in my life, Iam ready to leave home, I don’t miss my parents as much anymore & I know where I want to be! I want to work in the health care industry in management and policy making. I don’t want my boyfriend to work in the same industry, he is an IT person. It annoys me that he working in my work. If you knew the history that we are under, I can’t help but think this is his way to compete and literally take over my life. I have nothing left because of him, friends, sport everything! Is out the door and the saddest thing is that my parents don’t understand my anguish and a little thing inside of me says they want me to be safe and he offers that! Fuck that! I can make my own independence by myself… I hate that they don’t believe i can finish this course in health and communication. All children need love and support from their parents and im left with doubt from my parents and a bewildering sense of ill support. FML.

My boyfriend is away at the coast and he will be in Sydney next week, this is my dream. Not his dream… I wish he would stop dabbling in all facets of my life… and just calm down a bit and find his own identity… I need to live. Im the one that needs to travel and explore. Another part of me is jealous that he got to travel, fuck 30 woman and do all that stuff. Why can’t I? I don’t want to grow old and say what if’s and ‘i wishes’…

FML, Help if anyone empathises or has lived in a similar situation.. and knows a clear answer to get rid of these feelings…

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Kurt on Dec 2, 2010
I feel every ounce of pain that you wrote about…
The childhood spent trying to win the approval of others the wrong way, the humiliation and all the rest that goes with it.

I learned to live normally by the grace of God but it took one event that almost landed me in jail for life if I had followed through.It was both a point of realization, a point of turning everything around.

I Joined the military to get away from the town where my tormentor made me his play thing. I didn’t move to get away from him but to get away from the life I had begun to live the wrong way. Uncle Sam had all the answers for me. A place to go, someone new to become and a life away from the town that held so many bad memories for me.

Back to the event that turned my life around…. The one that could have left me rotting in a jail cell…..

I went home on leave to witness a close friend get married and see my folks for a couple of weeks. Well, at the wedding reception I came face to face with my tormentor. He never was anything physically imposing as a matter of fact he was the polar opposite. He was very much a flamboyant, gay man posing as a family man complete with wife and child. He always was girl like and flamboyant. The one power he had was age. He started to indoctrinate several of us neighborhood boys to become his gay play things when he was in his teens and we were 6 and 7 years old. Why he ever got married and had kids I will never know. Anyway back to the turning point………

While I was home on leave and had my run in with the child molester of my past he said something to me…. He said to me in his gayest voice, “my,, you sure did get big….” as he lowered his gaze to my crotch. That set off a fuze, thank God a long fuze that would change me for ever.

That night as I lay in bed thinking about what this bastard said to me the fuze he lit was getting hotter and hotter. I wanted to kill him and every memory that went with him. For two days I kind of followed him at a distance to get a feel of his routine. I found that if I waited for him in the trees across from his home I could pick him off with my rifle and disappear before anyone knew he was dead. So the plan was set and the fuze was still burning. I would snipe him before his wife and son got home and let the cards fall where they may.

The following evening I set up for my kill shot across the road and up the hill from his house and wait for him to get out of his car. Soon he came down the road, pulled into his driveway and got out of the car. As he walked to his front door I had the crosshairs right on the back of his upper neck where it connected to his skull. I had pressure on the trigger and prepared to make my kill. During this time everything this guy did from first contact with me when I was 6 to that very day came flooding forward and you would think I would pull the trigger on the person I hated the most on this earth. I could not pull the trigger. I decided at that instant that I would not let him have the final victory over me by becoming a victim of mine. I lay down there in my carefully picked spot, let my breath out the rest of the way and safed my gun. I just lay there thinking about what I almost had done and become.

I went home to my folks house and put the gun away, went up to my room and just lay down and thought about what just transpired. I found out that I wasn’t a killer, I found out I had wisdom beyond my years for the way I reconsidered things in the end. I thought his life would take care of itself in the end. I was right.

Don’t worry about writing letters to your molester. Life and God will take care of him. With luck maybe God will win his soul.

Don’t allow yourself to be his victim any longer… Just walk away from what he did and everything that goes with it. Don’t let what he did fester in you until you get to the point where I was.

You know… one of the things that passed through my mind when I had pressure on the trigger was how his mother was going to feel. I knew her and liked her and didn’t want to see her go through the pain of losing a child. That and a thousand of other thoughts went through my mind in a flash of a second. The mind is incredible is it not?

You see… in the end my tormenter’s life fell apart. He ended up divorcing his wife and took up the gay lifestyle that he craved so strongly that he would try to indoctrinate little boys into being his sex toys. He moved out to Las Vegas and became a full time gay with all that goes with that. He ended up contracting HIV and has been fighting many physical demons for years now. Much worse punishment that he’d have gotten out of the barrel of my gun.

Forget your tormentor, write him off, do not let him have one more minute of your thoughts or fears.
Kurt on Dec 2, 2010
I feel every ounce of pain that you wrote about…
The childhood spent trying to win the approval of others the wrong way, the humiliation and all the rest that goes with it.

I learned to live normally by the grace of God but it took one event that almost landed me in jail for life if I had followed through.It was both a point of realization, a point of turning everything around.

I Joined the military to get away from the town where my tormentor made me his play thing. I didn\’t move to get away from him but to get away from the life I had begun to live the wrong way. Uncle Sam had all the answers for me. A place to go, someone new to become and a life away from the town that held so many bad memories for me.

Back to the event that turned my life around…. The one that could have left me rotting in a jail cell…..

I went home on leave to witness a close friend get married and see my folks for a couple of weeks. Well, at the wedding reception I came face to face with my tormentor. He never was anything physically imposing as a matter of fact he was the polar opposite. He was very much a flamboyant, gay man posing as a family man complete with wife and child. He always was girl like and flamboyant. The one power he had was age. He started to indoctrinate several of us neighborhood boys to become his gay play things when he was in his teens and we were 6 and 7 years old. Why he ever got married and had kids I will never know. Anyway back to the turning point………

While I was home on leave and had my run in with the child molester of my past he said something to me…. He said to me in his gayest voice, \”my,, you sure did get big….\” as he lowered his gaze to my crotch. That set off a fuze, thank God a long fuze that would change me for ever.

That night as I lay in bed thinking about what this bastard said to me the fuze he lit was getting hotter and hotter. I wanted to kill him and every memory that went with him. For two days I kind of followed him at a distance to get a feel of his routine. I found that if I waited for him in the trees across from his home I could pick him off with my rifle and disappear before anyone knew he was dead. So the plan was set and the fuze was still burning. I would snipe him before his wife and son got home and let the cards fall where they may.

The following evening I set up for my kill shot across the road and up the hill from his house and wait for him to get out of his car. Soon he came down the road, pulled into his driveway and got out of the car. As he walked to his front door I had the crosshairs right on the back of his upper neck where it connected to his skull. I had pressure on the trigger and prepared to make my kill. During this time everything this guy did from first contact with me when I was 6 to that very day came flooding forward and you would think I would pull the trigger on the person I hated the most on this earth. I could not pull the trigger. I decided at that instant that I would not let him have the final victory over me by becoming a victim of mine. I lay down there in my carefully picked spot, let my breath out the rest of the way and safed my gun. I just lay there thinking about what I almost had done and become.

I went home to my folks house and put the gun away, went up to my room and just lay down and thought about what just transpired. I found out that I wasn\’t a killer, I found out I had wisdom beyond my years for the way I reconsidered things in the end. I thought his life would take care of itself in the end. I was right.

Don\’t worry about writing letters to your molester. Life and God will take care of him. With luck maybe God will win his soul.

Don\’t allow yourself to be his victim any longer… Just walk away from what he did and everything that goes with it. Don\’t let what he did fester in you until you get to the point where I was.

You know… one of the things that passed through my mind when I had pressure on the trigger was how his mother was going to feel. I knew her and liked her and didn\’t want to see her go through the pain of losing a child. That and a thousand of other thoughts went through my mind in a flash of a second. The mind is incredible is it not?

You see… in the end my tormenter\’s life fell apart. He ended up divorcing his wife and took up the gay lifestyle that he craved so strongly that he would try to indoctrinate little boys into being his sex toys. He moved out to Las Vegas and became a full time gay with all that goes with that. He ended up contracting HIV and has been fighting many physical demons for years now. Much worse punishment that he\’d have gotten out of the barrel of my gun.

Forget your tormentor, write him off, do not let him have one more minute of your thoughts or fears.

Letter to a Child Molester..

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