Shubhi looks at the clock and thinks this alarm is very special, for it never fails to ring. It is just five o’ clock. She gets up and opens the refrigerator in the kitchen. He draws some cold cotton out of the fridge putting it on her eyes goes back to sleep. After some time, the alarm rings again. Now there is no escape, she must get up.

She is feeling very lethargic today and her body seems to be a bit heavier. She does not feel like doing any work. But how long she can postpone things! Every night, when she sleeps, she promises to herself that she will get up early in the morning and go for a morning walk. Having come back from the walk, she will drink lemon tea and then prepare breakfast for her son.

Every other work goes as per schedule but this morning walk and lemon tea is always missed. She sends her son to school at 6:30 am and then sits in front of her computer to check her mail. She reads her zodiac signs in the newspaper and plans her day in the office according to the predictions.

Of late, she has lost her interest in her work. She wants to do something different but she does not know what it is going to be. She has a job but she is fed up with the routine work.

There is always lack of time, and then there is her son’s education. She rushes back home at 5:30 pm to meet her son. He waits for her. Having given her something to eat, she sends him out to play with his friends.

In the evening, she tries to remove her tiredness by lying down for a few minutes. When she closes her eyes, little children ring the bell and rush into the house. They are thirsty and they want to drink water. Shubhi gives them water and they go out to play. She likes children, especially her son’s friends.

She gives chocolates to the children before they go out to play. She tries to sleep again but the door bell disturbs her once again. Now it is the washer-man. She has a few clothes to be washed and ironed but she sends him back. The washer-man understands that her mood is not right. He turns and goes away.

It is Sunday and Shubhi has decided not to do any work. She is going to take complete rest. She will try to analyze herself and find out what she wants from her life. She concludes that her married life is moving at slow pace. Her writer husband, Pravan, holds a high post in a big organization. He has his own priorities and he is mostly busy. Shubhi has always been the one who takes care of the house and keeps giving life to the relations with their relatives.

After her marriage, many of her relatives visited her in Bombay. She had to perform the duty of showing them around, and at the same time taking care of her house and attending her office. After some days, Pravan’s writer friends began to visit them. There used to be writers’ discussions in the house and she began to like that. She would be relieved that they were not relatives and she was free from many duties. If she liked, she cooked something for them, otherwise ordered from the market. There was no formality with Pravan’s friends.

Literature attracted her so much that she did not want any other friends. She was a very good host and Pravan’s friends often mentioned it. They never talked about fashion, other people’s affairs, tensions in their lives, and other topics which occupy the major part of the common people’s discussions.

Lying on her bed, she is watching the ceiling fan. She likes it and she does not want any intrusion in her privacy when she is in the mood of complete rest. Even her husband is not permitted to enter the room while she is looking at the ceiling fan. Her husband is surprised but Shubhi can’t make him understand that she needs some space in her life for herself. Anyway, she is happy in her own world and she does not want to change anything.

Being the eldest of the sisters and brothers, she has the habit of shouldering the responsibilities of others. She likes helping others and it provides her with a unique satisfaction. Sometimes, she thinks that Pravan may have been attracted to her only because of that. Now things are different and he does not like this habit of hers. She believes that men become egocentric after becoming husbands. A husband wants that his wife must concentrate all her energies on him and she should not take care of other men. She often argues with Pravan over the issue. She tells him that she has not brought much dowry with her but she has the teachings of her parents that she should always respect the guests in her house. She believes that a person should do that work which delights him.

Often she completes the works of the people who she thinks are her own but when they laugh behind her back she is hurt. She pities their mentality. She knows for sure that she can never be selfish. She keeps on thinking about it for hours but when there is no answer, she forgets everything and gets busy in her work.

To maintain peace and happiness in her house, she has compromised with life many times. She can never speak loudly and if someone shouts, she feels her ears are burning. She is a very fragile woman and a slightest anger on someone’s face is enough to frighten her. Notwithstanding all this, she does not surrender if she is forced to accept wrong logics.

Her husband is often angry with her because she talks very politely with everyone. Shubhi asks him what her fault is. She wants to be as free as a bird and she can’t live behind masks like Pravan. What is wrong if she wants to revive the dead child in her?

Shubhi likes watching movies in cinema theatres but Pravan is very calculative about it. He says that movies can be watched on video at home. She likes watching movies in theaters because she does not have to prepare tea and the phone does not ring. The ambiance inside the movie theater is really enchanting, enveloped in darkness, strangers watching the same movie. Pravan does not understand all this. Now she watches movies alone because Pravan does not go with her. Now she has decided that she will only live for herself.

Pravan is amazed at this change in Shubhi. He had never seen this aspect of his wife. She does not try to hide any truth and she is never hesitant. She enjoys it when the listener is annoyed with her logics. She has to pay huge price for her truthfulness because many of her relatives get angry with her when she speaks truth about them on their faces. Earlier those relatives used to admire her.

Suddenly, she looks at the clock. It is 6:00 pm and she has not cooked anything. She enters the kitchen and began to arrange things for cooking dinner. Her son is doing his homework in his room. Pravan will come back home at about 7:30 but she is not sure whether he will come with his friends. If he brings friends along, she will have to cook something very quickly.

…………………………..

They have been married for ten years but Shubhi can’t assert that she has lived the life as she had wanted. Sometimes, she is approached by men in her office and they want to be her friends. She talks with them and, sometimes, goes out with them for a cup of tea but that is all. She likes some of them but all have different virtues and negative points. She feels that she has been looking for someone who has all the qualities which she has preconceived in her mind.

When she had met Pravan, she was greatly impressed because he seemed to be Mr. Right and she had given her consent immediately. Now, she thinks that it has taken her ten years to conclude that he is not the man she has been looking for.

What is the solution? The question haunts her day and night and she is more deeply lost in the maze of thoughts. Is it too late to begin afresh? What will happen to her son? Is she so cruel to leave her son? Should she sacrifice her own life because she has a little son? Can’t she be friends with another man? What will people say? Should she leave her husband? What is his fault? He is all right but his only fault is that he does not want to be like her. Why does she want him to be like her? Why can’t she be like him? She has her own ideas of life and so has her husband of his. Why can’t she be happy with all that she has? Should she kill all her desires? No, she has her own life? What is the guarantee that the other man will not change with the progression of time?

“Bloody life!” she begins to laugh loudly and forgets about everything.

The bell rings, and her husband enters the house. Thank God, he is alone. She pulls his hand and takes him into the kitchen. He is surprised why she has brought him there.

She hands him a piece of paper with these lines:

When I had met Pravan, I was greatly impressed because he seemed to be Mr. Right and I had given my consent immediately. Now, I think that it has taken me ten years to conclude that he is not the man I have been looking for.

What is the solution? The question haunts me day and night and I am more deeply lost in the maze of thoughts. Is it too late to begin afresh? What will happen to my son? Am I so cruel to leave my son? Should I sacrifice my own life because I have a little son? Can’t I be friends with another man? What will people say? Should I leave my husband? What is his fault? He is all right but his only fault is that he does not want to be like me. Why do I want him to be like me? Why can’t I be like him? I have my own ideas of life and so has my husband of his. Why can’t I be happy with all that I have? Should I kill all my desires? No, I have my own life? What is the guarantee that the other man will not change with the progression of time?

“Isn’t it enough that I love you,” having read the paper he said. There was sincerity in his voice.

She came closer and embraced him affectionately. He was thinking that he had to make certain improvements in his attitude.

After a few moments, she left him and said, “All right, now, forget about everything. Change your dress and get ready for a wonderful dinner!”

He smiled and moved out of the kitchen.