It’s not just fishermen and golfers who exaggerate their skills. Skiers, of course, do it too. I have a friend who has taught me how to be a poser.

You look around as soon as you get to your ski resort. Whose ski suit looks the most expensive? The guy (or girl) with the flashiest suit is the one to watch, as he (or she) often turns out to be the worst skier on the mountain. So, rule number one, unless you want to make a complete fool of yourself, don’t let anyone see how you ski. Wear the right gear and talk about skiing all the time, naturally, but never let anyone see you do it. What’s the best time for trying to impress you friends? It’s in the bar, preferably après-ski. However, it’s better to boast about how good you are when you get home, so that nobody can prove you wrong.

Which skis should you use? One sign of a cool skier is the length of his or her skis. So, rule number two, though you may have long skis back home in the garage, never admit to using them any more. Although they may be perfectly good skis, they are ‘out’, whereas blades or short skis are definitely ‘in’.

Twenty years ago, any holidaymaker wearing a helmet on a ski slope was dismissed as a complete loser. Now, they’re status symbols. Rule number three, therefore is – mention that you regularly wear a helmet. Better still, admit to the odd bit of ‘body armour’ – that’s hi-tech protective back and shoulder supports which are becoming very fashionable to wear.

Rule number four, get the jargon right. Snow is never called snow. It’s called powder. Whereas it’s cool to carry a rucksack, you must never call it a rucksack. It’s known as a pack, so don’t you forget it. Make sure people notice that you always carry avalanche rescue equipment in your pack. This must include a special tool to locate colleagues who are buried in the snow, and a shovel (never, never call it a spade).

Finally, rule number five: whatever you do, be a R.E.S.O.R.T.S. skier (Rarely Ever Seen On Rather Tricky Slopes), because that way you will always be a hero – and never be found out!