Tonight I watched a movie, which movie is not particularly relevant, but the point is what it made me think and feel. It was, incidentally, a film about marriage, but not the typical Hollywood take on a “happy ever after” which was at first a shock to me, since I practically live of those types of films. This movie was about a failed relationship, ending in a harshly realistic pit of despair, and I’m not usually a pessimistic person, despite the depressing tone of some of my work. I’m the kind of person who, like every other girl, has her life planned out – a perfect career, a perfect husband, perfect children and of course my life will be plagued with happiness and exciting events. This, as I’ve come to realise as this movie provoked a deeply depressing revelation, is simply not going to happen. I’m not saying that I, or in fact anyone, is doomed to a failed and misunderstood life – even though this is the usual British way of thinking, but from my perspective, or at least how I used to see things, everything was like a movie. I study film, I love films, I’ve been watching them since before I can remember and my father and grandmother share this interest. When I was younger, and even today, my father recommends films to me, which I watch in a desperate attempt to connect to him. Not as if there’s any deep psychological issue between me and my father, but it’s simply that when I was younger he connected with my brother over football, and therefore me over films. So growing up with films, I grew up with the fantasy of the movies. The perfect life.

I live with my head in the clouds, I make the most of the worst situations with humour and childlike ignorance. This is not to say I’m stupid, or dim – I know what the world is like, I just choose to see things this way. I hear a soundtrack to my life, and I’m constantly looking through a lens. When I met my boyfriend I heard music, I saw his point of view and mine and a romantic sweeping “camera” movement in my head. I even speak to people as if I’m in a movie – occasionally stealing quotes from my favourite films, even films I’ve written, and I smoke merely because some of my favourite movie characters do. I want to live in a movie, but not the movie I saw tonight. The film I saw earlier reminded me that life isn’t a movie, and movies can be closer to life than you might expect, which is a shocking revelation for someone who spends their entire life trying to live out a fantasy in order to escape “life”. I’m not saying that this was a bad movie, in fact it was a great movie, the kind of film that makes you think and feel, which is exactly what a film should do, what I didn’t expect was something so realistic. Thinking about failed relationships and marriage to the wrong person, or even falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, is something every one of us chooses not to think about. But think about it… What if you married the wrong person? Or someone you loved married someone else? Or the love of your life, the person you were certain was your one and only soul mate didn’t love you back. After living my entire life up until now I’ve finally come to terms with what reality feels like, and any of these things could happen to me or you. The Beatles once sang “All you need is love” but in my experience love isn’t always that easy to find. Everyone needs to feel loved, and everyone needs someone to hold them when times get bad, and let’s face it – they do, but what about the people who can’t find love? It’s a nice idea to assume there is someone out there for everyone, but sometimes you can’t help thinking that life just isn’t that perfect.