I consider myself to be a person of at least moderate intelligence. I am strong-willed, and God has tested my mental and emotional strength many times in my life. Each time, as He willed, I have gotten stronger. I know that I am a survivor. I can be emotional, but can also use logical thinking to control some emotional responses when needed.
With that said…..I find myself up against a wall that I have been unable to overcome. My pride and fear have never really let me ask for help from others when I am going through emotional difficulties. I know all the adages, I know the therapeutic exercises that would be recommended. I know what I would say to someone in my situation.
What I find is that instead of finding a way past this problem….I blocked it. I tried forgiveness (which I am very good at…I’m not a grudge holder, I am very empathetic, and in most cases I can see the reasoning behind someone’s actions, even if it don’t agree with them.) Then, when I was unable to forgive, or found my forgiveness rebuffed in additional ignorance, I stopped trying.
The surprise in this is monumental….when I finally decided to let myself feel the anger and the hurt that I surpressed in order to forgive…..suddenly I have a lifetimes worth of anger. And hurt. I didn’t just let the wall down for the most recent grievance…..the entire dam burst. Minor situational depression has given way to near constant anxiety, lethargy, near complete unhappiness that I can only blame on myself for surpressing my feelings and desires for my whole life.
It’s like an out of body experience at this point….I am watching myself push people away, and I am unable to stop. Some part of me doesn’t want to stop….I feel sure at this point in my life that my loved ones would be better off if they did leave me for awhile. I don’t want to bond with anyone…I don’t want to talk to tell people what is wrong…I don’t want the looks of pity. I definitely don’t want the hugs (I didn’t want that when I WAS happy all the time.)
I want to be selfish, but I can’t stand to hurt others. And so I hurt myself, and the side-effect is….others are hurt in the process. I’ve been depressed before….but I remember then that I could see a light at the end, even in my darkest days.
I can’t find the light. I’m still looking…..but how can I not find the light?
