Pat Sagak: Hello my name is Pat Sagak, and you’re watching WHEEEEEEEEEEEL OOOOOOF FORTUNEEEEE.  I’d like to welcome our contestants today.   Our first candidate,  was born in Arizona, is currently the oldest presidential candidate ever, he is 172, and is a Civil War Veteran where he served with distinction as a POW in Vietnam, and has a social security number of 4, please welcome JOHN MOLECAIN!!!!(Applause)

John: Wow, Pat, you sure got some fancy technology here.  Look at those flashy things on the ceiling.  Wudda you call those things nowadays.

Pat: I think you are referring to “lights”

Pat: Id like to welcome our next candidate.  Born in the slums of Honolulu, Hawaii, the first half-black half-white person ever. At age 40, his life was a mess and he surrounded himself with a very bad group of people. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he was a member of the United States Senate. However, he found himself again through the teachings of Muslim reverend Wright, and decided to make this country better by collecting record amounts of campaign money to fund his personal life. Please welcome BARACK MOLBAMA

Obama: Thanks, everybody. And a shout out to all my homies in Chicago.

Pat: and as guest letter girl, former Miss Alaska, whats-her-name… SARAH MOLIN

(Molin winks and something else “adorable“)

Pat: Hey baby, wanna grab a drink after we blow this place.

ABC Executive: What the hell dude, that’s not in the script. Wait, not that there is any script. Crap, you’re fired.

Pat: @#*% YOU ABC [or something else explotive]

ABC Ex: Does anybody wanna host?

Biden [from backstage]: I’ll do it. [come on stage] I want to help this country as much as I can. I can’t let my friend Molecain, oh and Molebama too, down. This country means a lot to me. I think I’ll make a great president… [ad lib more]

ABC Ex: [interrupting] Just use the teleprompter from now on…

Biden: After this short break…

ABC Ex: No time, let’s go [leaves]

Biden: Okay, the first word is “president”

McCain: What is “president”?

Biden: Correct, spin the wheel for your score.

[McCain spins]

Biden: McCain is up a mole of points.

Obama: Biden! You’re supposed to be on my side. I’ll pistol whip you for this later. Don’t forget where I’m from.

Biden: Anyway, I was reading the rule book and now I know how to play. First word please Sarah.

Palin: Okey dokey Mr. Biden, can I call you Joe?

Biden: of course, Senator Obama, six letters

Obama: Umm… M-A-V-E-R and I

[Palin touches first six boxes]

McCain: Oh, I know this one, umm… is there a C.

[Palin touches seventh box, it is in fact a C]

McCain: Wait, I know this one. I’ve got it on the tip of my tongue, wait, umm… yes… no… [shuffles around stage], no… wait I don’t know.

Obama: is it maverick?

Biden: Yes it is!

[Palin reveals last letter]

McCain: DAMN IT! I knew that. [punches Obama]

[they brawl, Biden says stuff incoherently to try to stop it] [Palin shoots in the air]

Palin: Next shot, somebody’s gonna die.

[Palin is removed forcibly, ABC Ex takes place]

Biden: Spin, Senator Obama

[spins]

Biden: Senator Obama is bankrupt. [Obama curses] Okay, next word please Sarah.

ABC Ex: I’m not Sarah.

Biden: Whatever.  Five letters, Senator McCain

McCain: Umm… C-H-A-N-G

Obama: The word is Chang! No wait, are there any more letters?

McCain: Is it change?

Obama: WHAT THE HELL!

Biden: Correct, spin Senator McCain.

[spins]

Biden: Senator McCain get another mole of points.

Obama: Whatever, I’m still ahead in the polls, can you spell “suck on that”?

McCain: Umm…

Obama: Whatever [snaps fingers, posse arrives]. Molebama out.

[Palin takes place at podium]

McCain: You know I just donno how she does that “telervision thang” .  You know, she just touched it and a new letter every time.  Well HOT DIGGITY DAWG.