My focus concerns a family that I got to know by working at the business that they own: two stores that sell imported Asian furniture. I was there as a cabinetmaker, and worked with two and sometimes more Cambodians. Our responsibilities included rebuilding and refurbishing imported furniture, as well as building from scratch furniture designed by the company. I was hired to help the others learn how to actually build the stuff, and can brag that they greatly benefited from my presence. As well, as I already knew nuts and bolts Cambodian language from previous jobs, I carved out a reputation, as I knew enough to actually use on an everyday basis.
It didn’t take long after starting there for me to get acquainted with the family dynamics of the owners. It was part and parcel of working for a small business. The wife Lisa, mother of son Nigel and daughter Laura, ran one store; Mike, the husband and father, the other.
Both kids are somewhere in their mid 20s, and Nigel has yet to have a girlfriend. Does that suggest that he is gay? It could, but in his case I think not. What shapes my sentiment is his mother’s opinion of the male gender, and how that had to affect his upbringing. He grew up without any focus, quite the flake. He got his BA in fine arts, and certainly is talented in that category, as I saw a pen and ink drawing of a rhinoceros that he did. He is generally good-natured and easy to get along with, not quick to take offense.
For a while he worked with us in the basement, and I got to know him. I tried interesting him in some arty fine-points of woodworking. Over the years I have developed a sideline in woodworking, figuring out and making spheres, using High School geometry, a table saw and drill press. One example is the soccer-ball pattern, of pentagons surrounded by hexagons. I showed him a few slides of my stuff, and he borrowed them so as to make some copies. It seemed as though he might pursue the sector, as the effect is where art and geometry cross. The thing was, however, that he decided it was not for him, and did not show any further interest.
I also mentioned that another sector that might interest him is set-design or possibly lighting design in the theater community. It wouldn’t surprise me if he would take to that environment, in that the entry requirements, if any, are pretty low. The people are generally smart and well-educated, frequently with astonishingly varied skills. Generally speaking, there is no money in it, at least at the beginning, which, knowing Nigel, would probably not bother him. I have no idea if he ever pursued anything there.
When he realized that he really didn’t care for the work we had building custom furniture out of exotic woods, he found something else, outside the family, in a landscaping business. OK, becoming independent of the family is certainly important, even necessary, but I do wonder how much success he has found. I would hope that his professional peak will be noticeably higher than my own, which is nothing to brag about…
He and Laura are very close, but unlike him, she has delved right into the family business, and works right beside their father. I have no doubt that she will learn the ropes to take over from him if and when he retires. From the start she made a good impression on me, as she is anything but a spoiled boss’s daughter. As far as I could notice she always had a boyfriend, and seemed conservative in her tastes in men.
Now that I’ve done my homework, I’m a bit more knowledgeable about them. I went to the Net and found the County site where the real estate records are posted. I found that daughter Laura and only Laura owns the house her parents bought her. It was certainly a very supportive thing for them to do, but it came with a fair amount of baggage. Why was it that she got a house and brother Nigel did not? What effect does that have on him? There was an indication that he lives in her house, in the basement. If true, it wouldn’t surprise me, as the two of them are so compatible. But still, just think of the pecking order. Who lives physically above the other?
In all fairness, at the time, the family business was not doing very well, and they could not afford to buy two houses, one for each. Also, Nigel may not be the most responsible with money, as he is anything but focused. Nevertheless, the strong message is that Laura is more responsible than he, and that has to have an effect on him.
Then there’s more: Elsa, a saleswoman who has worked with the family business for years, lives with Laura, in the 2nd bedroom. The two of them apparently get along pretty well. For what it’s worth, I remember a while back, a friend of mine mentioned that Elsa took a dislike to him, for whatever reason. Having known him for years, I am well aware that he is quite liberal sexually, and has that kind of humor as well as manner. It reminds me of my experience with neurotic women. Left and right I’ve found that I’m a lightning rod for snide comments: all I have to do is be alive and present. Some time ago, after a company party on the East Side, Elsa knocked me for supposedly lusting after the women, as though that’s all I’m about. If my sentiments are accurate, then both she and Laura are stoic about the bedroom. That would amount to one of their common values, and what could be more basic to compatibility and friendship?
Laura’s mother Lisa was less than comfortable with me around: on more than one occasion she chewed me out, and her sales staff has a way of being exclusively women. The two exceptions were Mitchell, blatantly gay, who stayed quite a while, and the other a man, whose name I can’t remember. The latter didn’t stay long, possibly because he has what’s called a sexuality, and maybe, just maybe started to sense what was going on in the air around him. Or perhaps Lisa asked him to leave. Ominously or not, I cannot say that I remember Lisa even once using the word ‘masculine’. Instead, she used the word ‘macho’. I am not suggesting that she is a closet lesbian, just neurotic.
It would explain why Marie was able to stay for as long as she wanted. She’s even less comfortable with men than the others are. Very much on her own, she makes a good living as a massage therapist, and was there part-time. So where does that leave the remaining sales-women? They’re easily the same way, but somewhat milder, especially Jane, as we had a way of talking that was pretty relaxed.
It would explain why Kim the designer was so short with Marie, and not exactly excited about going to the various company dinners. Yes, it is easy to get irritable with women who in their manner are implicitly uncomfortable with men. Maybe his own wife is like that, and he has no choice but to accept her regardless. His daughter is precocious, incredibly smart, cute as they come, half Asian. When I first saw her she was something like 10, going on 16. What saved Kim was that he was a hell of a good communicator. But then, who am I to know?
I remember a while back when I was with one of the Cambodians, helping Mike and Lisa move the furniture out of their house. The two of them were stressed-out, as they were in effect losing their place. Because their business was not doing very well they needed to pay down some of their debt, and with the kids no longer living there, the place was bigger than they needed. Granted, but it would have been better if they had more of a choice.
The way they were communicating with each other seemed a bit forced, or otherwise less than intimate. They were nowhere near reading each other’s thoughts, and Mike had to explain himself repeatedly, in incredible detail, so as to avoid misunderstandings. Despite having lived with each other for 25 years or more, he, the husband had to expend a huge effort just to make sure his wife, did not fly off the handle. It was as though she barely knew him. I remember Lisa mused once that she and her husband got along like oil and water. In contrast, another time, elsewhere Nigel said that his parents were different versions of the same person, that in effect their being of different genders was not even an issue.
Nigel’s future is food for thought: He’s lowest on the totem pole, and isn’t taken as seriously as Laura, his sister. What can I say, I see parallels with my own background and especially with my cousins. Is the guy going to develop a serious drug and alcohol problem? It wouldn’t surprise me, as he’s the odd one out, always has been.
What is it about sons of overly conservative mothers? They seem to have a lot of difficulty pairing up, especially when without a father figure. Mike, however, has always been around and amounts to enough. I have no doubt that he has remained loyal and stable, and do not consider him abusive. Who knows, years back maybe things were different at home, with him being preoccupied with the business and ignoring the family dynamics, especially with his son. I can’t help but assume that he is OK with what his wife amounts to, which would amount to a basic aspect of his character. So what’s up with Nigel?