In life, it is sometimes difficult to move on from the past of a relationship that leaves you in so much pain and hurt that sometimes thinking about that person just makes you cringe.

At times, when you sit down and think about all that person did to you or said about you, if you are not careful you will dwell on it so much that it takes over your world and you end up with low self esteem and depression. You want to move on, but the ghost from the past keeps popping up.

I find it is especially difficult when you have children, as no matter what, the children are part of your ex partner and he or she has a part to play in their lives. So it’s up to us to make this as peaceful as we can. Children should not be used as a bargaining tool.

Painful as it may seem, I believe you cannot get the children involve, and you cannot say bad things about your ex partner to the children, as in the long run, the children are cut up in the middle not knowing who to believe.

 I truly believe this, as one of my clients whom I coach called me one day to say her 10 year old ran away from home and left a note saying she wanted to be in foster care as she was fed up with the arguments of her parents who had divorced. This lady was in tears as social services got involved. Thank God the child was found and was taken into care.  The mother and her ex husband did eventually agree in the end to get some counseling and support.  They were able to work out how to deal with the child how is now back home with the mum, but her dad plays a part in her life in a much better way.

Moving on means:

·         Recognising that the past relationship at one pint had some great moments and memories which you enjoyed.

·         Reflecting back, learning from your past mistakes, and moving on.

·         Forgiving you ex partner for their past behaviour – this I find can take a while especially when their has been physical and emotional abuse.

·         Getting to know yourself more – this means taking time out to reflect on who you are and what you want to achieve in your life. You have to rise up again and develop your self esteem and confidence.

·         You have to believe that you are wonderful, unique, and special and deserve to enjoy a wonderful relationship or if you choose to stay single then that’s ok as it is your choice.

·         You have to believe that a past relationship helps you to develop certain areas in your life so that when you start a new relationship you will be able to handle it better.

·         You have to realise that none of us are perfect. There is no such thing as” Mr. or Mrs. Right”. We have to learn to focus on the strengths of a person and try to work out a way of coping with areas they are not so good at.  My friend’s husband knew from the start she hated cooking – so he cooks most of the time.  she enjoys cleaning and even DIY so she does it. Initially it was a major problem in their marriage, but by getting external counseling, they decided to focus on their strengths.

“Inside a rough stone, may be shining diamond waiting to come out, but you need to clean it up to see the sparkle”