I don´t know how many people grow up with the feeling that they do not deserve love, but I was one. I blame the parents. Surely those who bring us into this world should do their best to make us feel welcome in it, not with empty shows of love, but respect. Love without respect is almost as bad as no love, for all I know worse. What are they suffering from, the parents who cannot give their own children respect? Insecurity, failure, lack of self-esteem…? It comes down to honesty. No one was ever honest with me, and that has made me crazy.

These are strange thoughts for a fifty one year old man, or perhaps not. Perhaps fifty-one is just the right age to have such thoughts. I loved my mum and dad, and I hope they loved me in their own way. But I never get through a day in my life without thinking they would have been better off without me. Will I think the same when I´m sixty, seventy?

Strange thoughts indeed; especially when you´ve got a gun in your hand.

Where did I get it, this gun? Is it licensed? Am I trained to use it? Who am I going to kill with it?

As I have these thoughts, oozing black from the past, I´m looking at a crowd. It could be any crowd anywhere in the world, moving between spaces, indistinct waves of heads bobbing up and down, arms swinging, thrusting in different directions as though they cannot agree on the right way forward. It could be anywhere in the world, but it isn´t. It´s right here in my hometown. I´ve come back and I´ve got these feelings again.

Who is it going to be this time?

The question brings a tear to my eyes, because I know I want to kill no one. It is an unconditioned reflex, this killing game, a knee-jerk reaction. God stop me please! Who am I going to kill? The little girl carrying a teddy, swinging from her mother´s arm? The old woman stepping forward slowly with her Zimmer? One of those youths wearing hoods, thinking he is someone? The middle aged guy who could be me with that strained look of regret on his face? In the end, it doesn´t matter. One day they will all be dead anyway. Perhaps I am even sparing them by ending it now.