Filthy, filmy, dirty, piercing light broke my sleep and I woke with the taste of gravel in my mouth. Something about the dozen peering faces on the sidewalk told me that last night hadn’t been so normal after all. It might’ve been because they were cops with their pistols drawn ready to fire at some sort of monster but probably just because I realised they had been watching me sleep. Damn voyeurs, they always walk in on me- Anyway, I got up on one elbow and tried to lift my body off the floor when a midget cop, ran up and jumped on my back.

“RAGARHAGHAR RUN COMRADES I’LL HOLD HIM DOWN” screamed the ugly, asian Elmo.

“GET OFF ME, damn ugly, asian Elmo,” I spitted back, continuing my train of thought, “You’re ruining my hair I’ve got a party to go to later dude, cmon cut me some slack.” Even though I didn’t because I’m antisocial and spend my nights flame warring on 4chan.

“Wait, what? It talks. Hey guys! It talks!” said Elmo, finally getting off my back.

“Course I fucking talk! What am I some sort of mutant alien beast?” I said, laughing.

“Yeah, well kinda man,” Elmo said, now wiping slimy residue off his standard-issue jeans, “See your body’s dripping with the stuff I dunno what it is. Oh, and you have like fangs or something you tried to bite my friend Jeremy before and-”

“Okay, okay Elmo I get it, something about you wishing Big Bird was nicer and that that damn Cookie Monster would give you some fucking cookies I get it. Life sucks, grow a beard, I did! Now just look at me!” I interrupted as I put the running shoes my mum gave me on.

“Guys quick! The spider-freak is gonna make a run for it!” screamed Elmo, but by the time he had said that my superhuman running had already taken me to the next Pokemon town. That’s weird, I thought to myself , I can’t even walk from my bed to the kitchen without having to stop to rest my wooden leg. So I went to Ash and was like, “Hey dude, gimme your mirror,” even though he denied it I knew he was lying – no one could wake up looking exactly the same for 10 years without a mirror.

So I looked myself in the mirror and was absolutely shocked. I was fucking ugly! But awesome.. but really ugly! It was like a spider had fucked me! Actually, I was sure a spider had fucked me because there was this note in pocket with the message “You were served by: Jenna” which was probably the name of the totally smokin’ eight-legged babe that did me last night. Then I realised it was a receipt from 7/11 for that time my friend and I had slurpie drinking competitions and he was sent to the hospital because his brain actually froze. Haha.. funny kid.

Anywho, I deduced with Sherlock Holmes-like conviction that the slimy residue all over my back had come from a spider. Well, I couldn’t tell for sure but when I did that spiderman thing.. yes.. a FREAKING WEB CAME OUT. My watch was broken but I Holmes-ed out the time by doing some intense mathematical calculations with the sunlight and a pen and came to the conclusion that it was sometime between 12pm and 5pm.

Knowing that this was some sort of mythical, fairytale dream because every kid’s dream was always to wake up as a semi-mutant gooey spiderman, I knew that this spell wouldn’t last forever because the magic ends at exactly midnight! Just like my mum told me of that girl Cinderella who lacked time management, failed miserably and ended up slaving to her stepmother for eternity!

But no. I wasn’t gonna be a noob like that. I was gonna plan it out to the dot. I figured that meant I had about 7-12 hours of spidermanism left and with 3 of those hours spent making my uber awesome costume I’d have.. less than 40 minutes or so of spiderman left in me. So I set out quickly and decided to just buy a costume from Spotlight. It was the largest children’s size they had and god it was a tight fit.

“Sir,” called the cute yet slightly obnoxious brunette over the front counter, “Those are children’s sizes you won’t fit in them haha.”

“Listen woman,” I said, with a measured sexist tone, “I’m gonna buy this spiderman costume and I will fit in it. Nah uh uh-” I called, wagging my index finger ever so demeaningly at her, “Quiet down now Goldilocks I never questioned your ability to fit into that sexy, skintight, lace dress did I?”

“No.. I guess you didn’t you ever so intelligent, Sherlock Holmes-like, demigod. That’ll be $14.99 then-”

“No, what did I say about questions? I’m spiderman bitch, you, as the city I am defending from evil and rat infestation should be paying for my expenses. Oh yes, I would gladly take this for free thank you oh so much girl whose name is probably Mary-Jane. That’s right, cos I’d make you my wife! OH! What a call, high five! No? Fine, fuck you Mary-Jane, fuck you,” I said and I walked out that door doing that thing Tobey did in Spiderman 3, except unlike him I left Mary-Jane crying at the counter.

So I made my way out to kill crime. I stopped by McDonalds and started by ripping up a bunch of serviettes I had labelled “CRIME” with my felt-tip marker. The horrified looks from the family across me as I gobbled down my victory Big Mac with my spidey fangs told me I was on the right track.

My spidey senses told me that I would need some witty quips like Spiderman himself to be a successful superhero. So I spent the next hour at McDonalds scribbling on an old newspaper trying to think of a worthy catchphrase when yet another Mary-Jane waltzed up to me.

“Excuse me sir, you’ve been sitting here for a long time and our policy is to ask you to leave for our other customers if you haven’t bought anything in the past 30 minutes. I also was told that you didn’t pay for that Big Mac..” she muttered softly, bending down to me like I was some 7 year old who had been caught breaking her daughter’s toy pony.

“Well, I’ll have you know, Mary-Jane, that I did pay for this damn Big Mac! I paid for it with my blood, sweat and tears defending this hole you call home! My salary should come straight from your bank accounts through Government taxation but there was a mix-up at the office this morning so I was told to collect it myself,” I retaliated, leaving spittle on her shirt as my fangs sprayed the words out.

“Oh, right!” Mary-Jane said, “Oh, that makes so much more sense. Okay then you continue killing crime Spiderman sir! You make me proud! Except, my name isn’t Mary-Jane.”

“Yeah, I know you hate the name your parents gave you Mary-Jane but sheesh it’s not my fault you’re always taking it out on me. God.. I don’t think I can do this anymore first thing in the morning I’m filing for a divorce I can’t stand your constant bickering anymore woman! GOD! Give me a break can’t a man freaking defend shitty towns without his wife getting on his back mann.. fuck this I’m off to kill crime.” And I went off to kill crime, leaving another Mary-Jane behind crying more tears into her tears.

So I was swinging around the city like you do and I realised from those clocks on Flinders St Station that I had only 20 minutes of Spidermanism left! So I quickly landed nearby a crowd of people and bellowed out loud: “I’M HERE TO GET YOU CRIME! GARHAHGHAHHARAGKJ” Which made everyone around me to run off in all directions screaming for their lives which I could only deduce as me having landed in a crowd of criminals practising no-goodery who were afraid of me, my might and my intimidating size 12 suit that had my genitals strapped to my belly.

“AH CRIME! I HAVE FOUND THY HEART IN THIS POOR, DILAPIDATED CITY,” I roared so loudly again. Then I began to web everyone near me into a massive web ball that resembled an oddly shaped testicle covered in.. milk or something of the sort. I picked it up and threw it all the way into the Yarra with my Spidey-strength just like Goku would with a spirit bomb. I also gave a loud “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH” which was hard to hear over all the screams and cries from the criminals within my webby spirit bomb.

When it landed in the Yarra, a huge wave was created and just washed away everything through half the city. And I was just like oh SHIT! Good thing this wears off in 40 seconds I can just pretend I was having a bagel. I counted down til 12am and before I could say “ZERO BLASTOFFFF” I blacked out…

I awoke to find myself in my bed, no gooey stuff all over my back and no fangs and retarded spider features melded into my face. My phone said it was still Wednesday, June 30 which must have meant.. IT WAS ALL A DREAM! Damn! I slapped myself silly because being Spiderman was so fun. I finally understood what he meant by “with great power, comes great responsibility”, it was up to me to vanquish all those evil criminals. That dream taught me that with my intellect which was on par with Sherlock Holmes, I was born to kill crime just like I did in my dream. I jumped out of bed ready to follow my calling only to see a whole bunch of cops glaring at me again.

“Goddamnit you guys, can you at least not be here when I wake up? Damn voyeurs, I know you were watching last night when I had my laptop out and I was-” I stopped mid-sentence as my mother walked into the room, “When I was.. uhh.. googling herbal tea remedies?”

And my mother just ran out of the room after seeing the men crowding around my bed and me having confessed to my tea obsession screaming: “Oh god, HE IS GAY.”