Having no concept as to how to take care of my house, my first major problem was with my septic tank. It was that time again.  Another two years had come and gone.  This upcoming fall not only meant the coloring of the trees and the cooler autumn nights.  It also reminded me that it was time to empty the septic tank.

            As I’ve done every other time over the past two decades, I called my septic tank cleaning man.  The funny little phrases on the side of his truck always made me chuckle in the knowledge that they made what he did for a living a little more bearable.  To my dismay, I found that my septic tank cleaner man had cleaned out his last tank over six months ago. He died.

            After feeling a few minutes of sadness, I called the next septic cleaner that appeared in the phone book.  The secretary told me that there would be no problem, and they could send the truck over first thing in the morning.  All I had to do was stake the septic tank location, and the engineer (engineer?) would take care of the rest.

            “Stake off where my septic tank is?”

            My question to the secretary created a few minutes of silence. “Yes, all you have to do is place a stake over the area of your yard where the septic tank sits.”

            Not wanting to sound like a total moron, I simply agreed and hung up the phone.

                                                THE SEARCH BEGINS

            That afternoon, I set out to find my septic tank.  Being the intelligent individual I always believed myself to be, I found the pipe leading out of my cellar to where the tank should be.  After looking up the codes, I knew that it had to be approximately ten feet from where the pipe left the foundation.