According to my new boss and my  mother is that I have a problem talking with people. Like how I respond to certain things, as well as my tone of voice. 

I do notice the fact that I get irritated extremeley at certain things but I didn’t know that you can actually see this from my facial expressions or even tone of voice. Sometimes I notice my tone of voice other times I don’t. 

They said I am super defensive and its like I’m always in a fight with someone. 

Then I seem to be having digestive problems right now as well plus the heartbreak thing going on at the same time which really isn’t helping. 

Why am I like this I’m not entirely sure but I’mm sure it has to do with more than one thing in my life. I have also been sleeping late and that affected me too. 

I don’t know how to calm down, or rather just not be defensive all the time. I think that this most probably has to do with my childhood and the way that I was brought up. Especially since I’ve read up some psychology stuff. My parents always shouted at me when I was a baby toddler and growing up that I am stupid, that I will never amount to anything and that I am a waste of space, that I have no friends and that I am a joke, that I’m fat and ugly

. According to christianity concept this is placing curses upon your own child’s head. According to psychology the parents are just trying to do reverse psychology to motivate me to do more. But not everyone responds in the same way as other eveyrone else. I for one did not respond with the motivation to do better. I responded by retreating back, making myself become an outcast, became afraid to talk to people in person, began to hate socialising and being around people as well hate myself and think I’m stupid fat and ugly. I hated the world for so long, I hated everyone around me because I thought that’s what they all saw too. I felt like I was the butt joke of the entire universe.

Then i went to the philippines and well I got into this group of friends who seemed to accept me for who I was as well as being very open about all things. They would have a talk sit in a circle evey week and say to each other if they annoyed each other and how they would overcome it. This shocked me because in London I have never seen these things. The only thing I have seen is if you’re cool and beautiful you’re in no matter what and that having fun was more important than talking about stuff. I got so used to being alone.Walking to the canteen alone, eating alone, playing on my own as a child. Just always alone.
 
As I grew older and the philippines had changed me to being my old happy former self before my parents trashed my life psychologically (as a child I was banned from laughing and I’m the type of girl that laughs at almost well anything). I began to socialise and knew how to talk to people in a basic way. But handling friendships has been and still is tricky. There are unspoken rules it seems of how to communicate with your friends. Things you can say and things you can’t say. I always just tell whatever’s on my mind, but apparantly that isn’t good. 

I got so used to being alone I guess I’m finding it hard to adjust to making compensation for other people and thinking of other people when all my past life I’ve been fending for myself.

I don’t know how to make all things better, I don’t even know where to start. Even healthwise with the stuff I’m suffering from now plus the broken heart, I don’t even know where to begin and how to begin.

I just wish that I could fast forward to the future and everything would be ok. But life is not like a movie where you can fast forward or rewind, and that sometimes is the most frustraing thing ever!