Over time I began to develop emotionally and personally. With maturity came the realization of my own self worth. My heart had time to heal, memories of him became faint, and new experiences brought me to a different place in life. And then just when I thought I was stable, rock-solid strong, one phone call shattered all of my progress, seemingly taking ten steps backwards. Weakened by his voice, desired to be held by him one more time, my wall came crumbling down and I let him back into my life even though I knew that he would leave me devastated and torn. So, one more night was spent with him – I was to be naïve and hopeless enough to think that feelings could be rekindled. Enjoying his presence I tried not to fall asleep because I was scared of what the morning would bring. When I woke in the morning he was lying next to me and I had never felt more comfortable or sad because I knew that once he woke, my dream would end and he would go home leaving me behind to pick up the pieces of my broken heart for the hundredth time. That night, I wish we could have just slept forever.

But just like every good dream, I had to wake up and so did he. I could not get mad at him for what had happened, for the heartache that resurfaced, after all, I had consented to his actions. My heart was missing him and in that moment, I needed him more than ever. It is doubtful that I will never not need him, or want him – he will always be my suppressed love. As I watched him drive away I promised that that night would be our last moment of intimacy even though I silently knew that I would interrupt my life – give up anything – for another moment with him. I continued to love him that much.

I have learned an infinite amount from my emotional rollercoaster ride with him. I have come to known that love is an absolute blinding emotion; attraction is deceiving; and the heat of the moment is a false impression of the true chemistry between two people. People are selfish when seeking comfort and although he may not have intentionally meant to hurt me, he did, and I let him. In loving him I was thrilled, I was scared. He was an adrenaline rush and I had the time of my life.

This has been the cyclical process of my young heart’s endeavors: recycled emotions. Until I was walking down the street one day and for the first time in the years that I have loved him I saw him with another girl – another girl who was as replaceable as me. In that instance I realized that my utopian concept of love was Hollywood induced and that there was nothing special about me to him, or us for that matter. I finally understood that I was just like any other girl that he shared intimacy with, insignificant and meaningless.

Now, there are no tears, just exhaustion. My mind can no longer analyze our fate and my heart can no longer find a reason to love him. It pains me to let go only because I finally accept that it is never going to be the storybook ending that has unfolded in my mind. When I fell in love with him I thought it would be timeless, unparallel to anything else that would occur in my life. With new strength falling out of love with him has been effortless because for the first time I am aware of what I truly deserve. I will take steps forward in life; steps far beyond him, to find that hopeless sense of love, lust and intimacy that I have always yearned for.

A broken heart mends, lost love can be rediscovered and I – I will be loved the way that I want to be loved. He may have been my first love but he will not be my last or even my truest. I will hold memories tight but will let him go. I am worth so much more. One day, when he sees me genuinely loving another, he will realize what he gave up years ago.