For the last few months I have had a feeling that is slowly gnawing at me. These feelings were unexplainable….. until now. I had a revelation! I allowed my mind to unbend yesterday and the feelings came tumbling down, like a broken dam. I never knew I had the ability to experience such passion. I was stunned to disbelief but willingly accepted it.

I saw behind the façade. It was as if he were an opened book to me in that one moment. He unveiled himself to me in a moment of candor. He perjured himself the moment he glanced into my eyes. I saw his fears, the loneliness, the hurt, the insecurities and the emotions that he tries to keep inside, hoping that no one would see them but then furtively wishing to have someone to reveal them to.

As he held my hand, I took a quick glance then I concealed my face, suppressing the tears that I wanted to cry for him….with him. I had to stifle my affection and could not allow him to read my expression. I wanted to embrace him and tell him that it would be alright ….but I could not. I wanted to show him that I was there for him in his time of need…. but I could not. I wanted to let him know that I was crazy about him and wanted nothing less than to help him conquer his greatest fears, to take away his loneliness and pacify any hurt he might be feeling. Instead, I held the telephone to my ear and looked away when there was no one on the other end of the line.

I probably did not have a right to feel what I felt but the heart has its’ reasons which reason does not understand. I really wish I understood the rationale behind the reasons why I adored his smile and found his presence irresistible. Even though, when he is present I want to leave. At first, I thought it was infatuation then I convinced myself it was attribution error and now I am simply confused. I find myself eager to see him but frightened at the thought of him. Why is life so complicated or better yet, why do, we make life so complicated.

Each moment I see him I notice his tenderness. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of his shyness and appreciate his intellect but most of all I shiver with anticipation. The anticipation of what……I do not even know. He is oblivious to my thoughts……or is he? Of course, I know it could never be. They will never be the “us,” “we.” None of that between the two of us. It would be way too complicated with so many obstacles that we might be senior citizens before it all ends.

Am I willing to risk a slight chance of happiness with someone I could possibly fall in love with because of a few complications? Am I willing to take a chance of not telling him how I feel about him not knowing if I will ever get another chance? Am I willing to let him go for another decade? ……Well, this time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it. ……

In addition to all of the emotions that I have felt for this man, I am so very proud of him. He has accomplished many admirable deeds and continues to do so, humbly. Win or lose…… secretly, he can be my knight in shining armor, with one stipulation, that he allows me to rescue him right back. Everyone needs someone to rescue then……. sometime!