ALLAH: About 30.   Negro; dressed in bright silk caftan.

JESUS CHRIST: About 33.   With hair half way down his back, a long beard and bushy moustache.   Dressed in faded jeans, T-shirt and thongs.

JEHOVAH: About 55 years old.   Dressed as a typical Jewish holy man.

MARY: About 45 years old.   Tall, dark-blonde.   Dressed in jeans and T-shirt.

MAN 1: Aged about 45.

MAN 2: Aged about 52.

MAN 3: Aged about 65.  Thickset with very short, grey hair.   Dressed in a long sleeve shirt and a cheap business suit.

MAN 4: Aged about 38.

WOMAN 1: Aged about 42.   Tall, blonde.

WOMAN 2: Tall Negress.   Dressed in see-through blouse and jeans.

The play opens in the reception room of Heaven.

St. PETER has just arrived at work and is standing shivering from the cold, rubbing his hands together while waiting for the first arrival of the day.   Behind him is a white wall lined with at least six doors.

St. PETER
Blasted Pearly Gates, indeed!   Back in the good old days, we didn’t have any Pearly Gates, we had a nice thick oaken door.  No worries at all.   Kept out the cold in winter and never overheated in summer.   But these blasted Pearly Gates are useless, they let in all the weather: rain, wind and snow in winter; the raging heat in summer, Christ!

The fourth door to the right opens and a long-haired man pokes his head out.

JESUS CHRIST
You rang Petie baby?

St. PETER
No, no, Chris, I said “Christ!”   Not “Christ?”

JESUS CHRIST
Oh sorry Pete, my mistake.

He pokes his head back in and closes the door again.

St. PETER
And all because some bloody fool had to go and think up that bloody silly Pearly Gates bit.   Bloody Hell…
(Half a beat.)
Oops.

NARRATOR’S VOICE O/S
It had just slipped out.   He hoped that the other crowd had not heard.   Or else all Hell would break loose.   Aeons ago Methuselah and St. PETER had got together and made a pact.   It had been agreed that none of the fiends of Hell would blaspheme anymore.   And in return the angels had agreed not to take the name of the Netherworld and its creatures in vain.   Now this one careless slip could spoil things for everyone.

St. PETER
(Looking about himself everywhere; puzzled.)
Where the Heaven is that voice coming from?

There is a ringing sound from the left hand side of the stage.

St. PETER
Anyway, here’s the first one for the day.

He walks over to the left side of the stage where two men have just stepped into view.

St. PETER
Denomination?

MAN 1
No thanks, I’ve just had one.

MAN 2
We’ve been trying to work that one out for years, without any luck.

MAN 1
You heard him, stick the jokes…
(Half a beat.)
I’m a Catholic.

MAN 1
And just what is that supposed to mean?   What have you got against Catholics?

St. PETER
Against Catholics?…
(Half a beat.)
I haven’t got a thing against Catholics.   It’s her…
(Half a beat.)
Her that I can’t take.   She always makes me feel so…
(Half a beat.)
So inadequate.

MAN 1
Her who?

St. PETER
What’re you mean, “Her who?”
(Half a beat.)
It’s bad enough when you start correcting my grammar…
(Half a beat.)
Without correcting my grampar as well.
(Half a beat.)
Are you sure that you’re not a Methodist?

MAN 1
Quite sure.

The man just shakes his head.

He still shakes his head.

St. PETER
How about a Moslem?

MAN 1
No!

MAN 1 thinks deeply for a moment, obviously interested in this idea.

MAN 1
No, no, I mustn’t.
(To himself.)
I’m definitely a Catholic.   Yes, yes, I must keep telling myself that.   I am a Catholic.   No matter how tempting Root’er might sound.

St. PETER
You can have Root’er for fifty cents? …
(Half a beat.)
Twenty cents? …
(Half a beat.)
Ten cents? …
(Half a beat.)
I’ll thrown in Frigga, Freyja and the Valkyries as well.   Man are they ever hot to trot.   They were all born under the star sign of Nympho.   And does it show man, does it show…
(Half a beat.)
In fact with those skimpy, see-through costumes they wear all the time, everything shows, and it could all be yours, to worship…
(Half a beat.)
And fondle and grope and lick and suckle and nibble, all those soft, round, juicy bits.   While they wrap they full, firm, fleshy thighs around your lower torso to pull you deeper and deeper into their hot, moist, steamy…
(Half a beat.)
Hey wait a minute!   On second thought I’ll keep the Valkyries for myself.   But you can still have Frigga, Freyja and Root’er.
(The man is furiously shaking his head.

MAN 1 (To himself.)
No, no, I mustn’t.   No matter how enticing it sounds I must not give in to temptation.   I must be strong…
(Half a beat.)
I must keep telling myself, “I’m a Catholic!   I’m a Catholic!   I’m a Catholic!”

St. PETER
Well I shouldn’t really do this, but how about if I make it seven for ten cents and I’ll throw in two Geisha girls as well?

MAN 1 (Shouting.)
Look I’m a Catholic!   Got that?   A Catholic!    Not a Jew!   Not a Moslem!   Not a Buddhist!   A Catholic!

MAN 2
Stick the jokes!

MAN 1
Who’s her anyway?

St. PETER
Come that one by me again?

MAN 1
I said who’s her anyway?

St. PETER
Who’s her what?

MAN 1
No, no.   I mean who is the ‘her’ that makes you feel inadequate?

MAN 1
Yes.
(Half a beat.)
I think we established that over the last half of an act?

St. PETER
Then who in the blazes do you think ‘her’ would be?

MAN 1
I asked you first.

St. PETER turns round to glare at him, then goes over to the fifth door from the right.

He knocks very very tentatively upon the door.

St. PETER
I don’t think she’s in there.   It must be her shopping day…
(Half a beat.)
Oh no that can’t be right.   I keep forgetting, she makes the men do the shopping up here.

MAN 1
Why don’t you try knocking a little bit louder?

St. PETER
Are you kidding?   And risk making her mad at me?
MAN 1
It’s either that or risk making me mad at you.

St. PETER
M…
(Half a beat.)
M…
(Half a beat.)
M…
(Half a beat.)
Mary?

The door opens and a ball-busting Amazon musclewoman type looks out.

MARY
All right then, you poor inadequate, snivelling little excuse for a member of the human race, what the blazes do you want?
(Looking toward Man 1.)
And get those lecherous eyes of yours away from my jugs, or I’ll rip your bloody dong off and shove it down your throat.

St. PETER
I…
(Half a beat.)
I…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve got one for you.

MARY
Just go ahead and try it you creep!   And see what happens to you!

St. PETER (Shaking his head violently.)
No, no, I meant I’ve got a candidate for you,

MARY
A candidate?   Hell I’m not running for election…
(Half a beat.)
Although I might just as well when you consider what a cock-up of it you men have been doing down there on Earth for the last two thousand years.

St. PETER
Don’t say that word, Mary.

MARY
Don’t say what word?   “Cock-up”?   Jeez you men are such damned hypocrites.   You use words like tit, cunt, fanny, pussy and so on derogatorily in every second sentence.   But the moment one of we women starts using your genitalia as terms of abuse you instantly get the sulks up.

MAN 1
Just so long as you don’t follow Lorena Bobbit’s example when it comes to abusing our genitalia.

MARY (To MAN 1)
Shut up!

St. PETER (Whispering)
No, no, I meant the word “Hell”.
(Pointing down at his feet.)
You know that they don’t like it.

MARY
What the fuck are you whispering about?   I can’t make out a bloody word that you’re saying.

St. PETER (At the top of his voice.)
I said Hell.   They might not like it.
(Pointing at his feet again.)

MARY
Your feet might not like it?   You’re weird, you know that?   Even by the standards of men.   Low as they are.

St. PETER
No, no, Beelzebub and co. might not like it.

MARY
Well who gives a bugger what they like?   That Beelzebub is every bit as big a dead shit as you are…
(Half a beat.)
almost.   If he tries to get Iscaron to come the heavy on me, I’ll rip his bloody balls off.

St. PETER
What if he sends up Lilith to take care of you?

MARY
Lilith, ha!   Who gives a stuff about that bloody lezzo?   I’d just as soon rip her tits off as tear his balls off anyway…
(Half a beat.)
At least I know for certain that she’s got tits…
(Half a beat.)
and you can stick the sick remarks about how I know she’s got tits.

St. PETER
Still?…
(Half a beat.)

MARY
Still be buggered   You’re just a cockless wonder…
(Half a beat.)
like all men.   That’s your trouble.   Thank Christ I’m not a man.
(Shaking her head slowly.)
Anyway let’s have a look at the new candidate.

MAN 1
(Stepping forward and going down on his knees.)
Hail Mary, mother of God!

MARY
Mother of Christ, Stupid!   Don’t call him God, you little sexist creep!   Or else the prick will think that he’s better than me.   I don’t want him getting any ideas above his station.   He’s hard enough to stomach now, the egotistical male-chauvinist pig!

MAN 1 (Sounding shocked.)
Well, after all, he is God!

MARY
Oh yes, but it’s an honorary title…
(Half a beat.)
It’s not as thought the little faggot did anything to earn it.   He just got a lucky break.
(A beat.)
I could have been god if it hadn’t been for the sexist male, dominated society in place on Earth in those days.   But oh no, they had to pick a man.   It’s not what you’ve done that counts, it’s what you’ve got between your legs…
(Half a beat.)
Not that that little faggot has got much between his legs…
(Half a beat.)
And after all I did for humanity.   But does that count for anything?   Oh no, he’s the man in the family, so pick him to be god! …
(Half a beat.)
That’s the way it always works.   Women have to work and slave their fingers down to the bone for aeon after aeon and it’s the men who always get appointed god.

MAN 1 (Sounding shocked.)
Well he did die on the cross to save mankind!

MARY
So what, that’s nothing.   Look what I had to go through to bring the little piss-head into the world.   All those months of waddling around like an overgrown duck, feeling as though I had an anvil in my guts.
(Shaking her head slowly.)
You creeps are all the same.   You think that you can take all of us women for granted, don’t you.   Just because one of you dies on the cross to save mankind once in a while…
(Half a beat.)
Shit!   What about womankind?   Isn’t it just as important?

MAN 1
Well…
(Half a beat.)
The bible does say in the Old Testament that a women’s rightful place is one pace behind her husband.   That a woman’s only value to to bear children.

MARY (Shout.)
What!   How can you bear the little bastards?   Most kids are unbearable from the start!

MAN 1
Er, it’s in the Old Testament…
(Half a beat.)
It’s the law according to Jehovah.

MARY
Jehovah be buggered.   He’s as big an oink as his brat, Jesus!
(Half a beat.)
Now if one of you pooftas would die on the cross to save womankind occasionally, that would be different.   Maybe then women could respect you! …
(Half a beat.)
Well from now on it’s your turn to cop the shit you sexist creep!
(Rubbing her hands together in expectation.)
Boy am I ever going to have a great time with you.   And man are you ever going to hate the rest of eternity!

MAN 1
Er, well…
 (Looking toward St. PETER)
On second thought I was only kidding about being a Catholic…
(Half a beat.)
I’m really a…
(Half a beat.)
a…
(Half a beat.)
A Salvo.

MARY
A Salvo be buggered…
(Half a beat.)
I’ll give you a salvo in a minute, you ineffectual little creep …
(Half a beat.)
Of red hot lead across your scrawny backside.   Now can the smart-arse remarks and get over here.

He steps back behind St. PETER for protection.

MARY (Tap-tapping her right foot impatiently.
Look creep if I have to go over there and get you, you’ll be talking in a very high voice for the rest of eternity.

MAN 1
Y…
(Half a beat.)
Y…
(Half a beat.)
Yes Mother Mary
(He steps forward tentatively.)

MARY
And don’t give me any of that sexist Mother Mary Crap.   It’s Ms Mary.

MAN 1
Yes, O Blessed Virgin.

MARY
And you can stick the virgin bit up your arse too.   I’ve been around you know…
(Half a beat.)
Now get over here you…
(Half a beat.)
You good-for-nothing…
(Half a beat.)
Man!
(The last word is said in a tone of complete and utter contempt.)

He walks over to her and she turns and starts walking back through the door closely followed by MAN 1.

MARY
Just try laying a finger on me anywhere creep, and you’ll be limping, dragging both feet behind you.

The man is keeping an even two paces behind her.

MARY
And don’t walk back -there you little creep.   I’m awake up to you.   You just want to perve at my fantastic, perfectly-formed backside.   Don’t you, you sexist animal?
(Shaking her head slowly.)
Men!   Boy how they make me sick to the gut.   If Christ’d had a clue what the bugger he was up to in the first place, he’d have only created one sex…
(Half a beat.)
Woman!   Then if vibrators could knock you up you could still populate without the need for these pathetic, limp-cocked wretches.

They walk through the fifth door and it closes.   There is a ringing sound from off stage.

St. PETER
All right, all right.   Keep your shirt on.   I haven’t forgotten you.
(He walks over to the edge of the stage.)
Okay, what’s your denomination?

MAN 2
Jewish.

St. PETER
Right follow me.

He goes over to the third door to the right, and raps loudly on the door.

JEHOVAH (Sticking his head out the door.)
Hey Pete, that isn’t very kosher.

JEHOVAH
A new candidate, Pete?…
(Half a beat.)
Is he kosher?   You know we have to be so careful these days.   What with all these Moslem raids upon synagogues and what have you.   I wouldn’t put it past that Yassar Krakafat to try and send terrorists into heaven itself!

St. PETER
I haven’t a bugger, but if you hang about for a sec I’ll check him out for you.
(Turning toward MAN 2.)
Right, what’s your name buddy?

MAN 2
Mannie Stein, I am.

St. PETER
Mannie Stein, how about that?   Sounds all right to me El.

JEHOVAH
Yes, it sounds kosher…
(Half a beat.)
But, well I don’t know, Pete.   You just can’t be too careful these days, you can’t.   How can I be certain that he’s not a PLO spy trying to get in to harass my people.   They have all had enough of that down on Earth without having to put up with any of it up here as well.

St. PETER
All right, all right.   If You insist upon making a Federal case out of it…
(Under his breath.)
Like you always do.
(Turning back toward MAN 2.)
All right then…
(Half a beat.)
What were your parents’ names?

MAN 2
Hanna and Hymmie they were.

St. PETER
What did your old man do for a crust?

MAN 2
He was a jeweller.

St. PETER
Well then how is that for you?   A jeweller named Hymmie, wife’s name Hanna?   If anything sounds more kosher than Mannie Stein, it’s Hanna and Hymmie.   Not quite as good as Golda.   But then even up here you can’t have everything.

JEHOVAH (Nodding his head slowly.)
It sounds better and better.

St. PETER
Still not quite convinced ah?…
(Half a beat.)
Okay…
(Turning back toward MAN 2 again.)
Right.   Did you have any sisters or brothers?

MAN 2
Three sisters, and one brother I had.

St. PETER
Okay, well don’t keep us in suspended animated — you’re getting as bad as Brian — what were their names?

MAN 2
Willi, Miriam, Evchen and Ruth.

St. PETER
Well now how does that grab you Big El?

JEHOVAH
It ain’t very kosher, Pete.

St. PETER (Astonished.)
Willi, Miriam, Evchen and Ruth aren’t very kosher?   You’ve gotta be kidding?

JEHOVAH
No, no, I meant the crack about Big El ain’t very kosher.

St. PETER
Oh, I see.

JEHOVAH
Willi, Miriam, Evchen and Ruth…
(Half a beat.)
Now that’s what I call kosher.

St. PETER (To MAN 2)
I think you’re clear.

JEHOVAH
Yes at last I am satisfied…
(Half a beat.)
Come along inside Mannie, we have a lot to talk over.

St. PETER (Under his breath)
You’d better keep the machine gun hidden till you’re well inside.

JEHOVAH
Ignore him Mannie — everyone else does — he just ain’t kosher.   Come along now, we have a lot to talk over.   First up we need to consider your Bar Mitzvah.

MAN 2
My Bar Mitzvah?   Hell that was nearly forty years ago.   How do you expect me to remember much about that?

JEHOVAH
No, no!   Not your one down there…
(Pointing at his feet.)
You’re one up here.

MAN 2
One up here?…
(Half a beat.)
You mean they have Bar Mitzvahs in Heaven too?

JEHOVAH
Of course, in the Jewish section.   It just wouldn’t be kosher otherwise.

He leads MAN 2 through the door.

JEHOVAH
See you later, Pete.   And next time try to be a bit more kosher.

JEHOVAH
Neither does culture, I’ve noticed, Pete.   But keep working at it.   You’re bound to get there…
(Half a beat.)
One of these aeons.
(He closes the third door.)

There is a ringing sound off stage and St. PETER goes to investigate.

St. PETER
Denomination please?

WOMAN 1
De-nom-in-a-ti-on?   Now what the hell kind of honky word is that supposed to be?

St. PETER
All right, let me put it another way.   What religion are you?

WOMAN 1
What religion am I?   What’s wrong with you, you honky dude?   Haven’t you got any eyes in your head?   I’m a black Moslem.

St. PETER
I’m with you sister.   Everything is real-ley cool.   So just hang loose for a while, while I ease on down to see if my man is in.

WOMAN 1
Your man?   Who the hell is your man supposed to be?

St. PETER
Well who do you think I’d be calling my man, sister?

WOMAN 1 (Giving him the once over.)
With you brother, it’s hard to tell.   Your boyfriend, I’d say at a guess.

St. PETER
Leave the jokes to me…
(Half a beat.)
All right, sister?

WOMAN 1
Whatever you say…
(Half a beat.)
Honky!

Shaking his head slowly, he goes over to the second door on the right.

He knocks loudly on the door and it opens to reveal a tall Negro, dressed in a silk caftan.

ALLAH
Hey there my man, it’s real gro-oo-oovy to lay my eyes on you again.

ALLAH
Gimme five man!

They do a high-five.

ALLAH
So what brings you down here, Petie?

St. PETER
I’ve got some real gro-oo-oovy news for you, my man.   You’ll just flip right out when I lay it on you.

ALLAH
Well lay it on me my man…
(Half a beat.)
Lay it on me.   Don’t keep me in suspense.

St. PETER
Well there’s this real slinky little momma.   And…
(Grasping him by the right shoulder.)
Here’s the real groovy bit, my man…
(Half a beat.)
She’s just dy-ie-ieying to make the scene with you.

ALLAH
Well lay her on me man, lay her on me…
(Half a beat.)
And who knows what groovy things will go down.   If you get my drift.   I mean let me dig her, man.

St. PETER (Walking back to WOMAN 1)
Prepare yourself for something real-lee heavy sister, because the man Allah himself wants to dig you.   I mean can you dig it, sister?

Allah walks out through the door and over to where they are talking by the edge of the stage.

WOMAN 1 (Dropping to her knees)
Oh blessed Allah!

Allah puts a hand under one of her shoulders and lifts her gently to her feet again.

ALLAH
Hey sister, you can forget the humble-pie bit.   You’re much too gro-oo-oovy for that routine.   So leave it to the honkies.   They’re used to it.   I mean it comes natural to them, you dig?

WOMAN 1
I dig.   But isn’t that a contradiction in terms, my man?

ALLAH
What’s that sister?

WOMAN 1
Mentioning honkies and natural in the same breath,   You dig?

ALLAH
(Putting an arm around her and leading her towards the door)
I dig you sister, I dig you.

St. PETER
Or at least he will as soon as he gets the chance.   He’s already got his digging instrument warmed up!

ALLAH
Hey cool it you jive-arse honky.   You’re just jealous you honky bastard!

St. PETER
Who told you about my old man? …
(Half a beat.)
Whoever he was.

WOMAN 1
And the really bad bit is that with him you can’t even tell which of us he’s jealous of.

St. PETER
Can it sister, before I can you.

WOMAN 1
You jive turkey, you would hit a lady, wouldn’t you?

St. PETER
I’m not sure…
(Half a beat.)
Show me a lady, and we’ll both find out.

There is a ringing sound off stage.

ALLAH
Well dig you later man…
(To WOMAN 1.)
Let’s go get more acquainted sister, like in private.   You dig?

WOMAN 1
Like where there are no honkies lookin’ over our shoulders while we’re makin’ with the groovy music bit.

ALLAH
Now you’re talkin’ sister.   Now you’re talkin’.

St. PETER
Yeah dig you later man.
(He walks over to the edge of stage.)
Denomination?

WOMAN 2
Church of England.

WOMAN 2
British!   If you don’t mind!

WOMAN 2
Really!   How dare you?

St. PETER
For the life of me, I just can’t figure out what they bloody well think they’re doing.   If I had my way, all of you bloody useless Poms’d be sent straight down to the other place.

WOMAN 2
Indeed!   Well it’ s a damn good thing that you don’t have the final say on the matter.

St. PETER
They’d probably appreciate you a lot more down there — they couldn’t very well appreciate you any less — although come to think of it, perhaps not.   Even they aren’t that desperate for new recruits.

WOMAN 2
Well I never!

St. PETER
Oh come on, you must have…
(Half a beat.)
Otherwise you wouldn’t be dead, now would you?   Then you wouldn’t be here, would you?

WOMAN 2
I wish I weren’t.

WOMAN 2
No, no, I meant that I wish I weren’t here listening to all of your bullshit!

St. PETER
Well it’s still not too late to change your mind, you know.

WOMAN 2 (Hopefully.)
You mean I can return to Earth?

St. PETER
No, but you can go to Hell!

WOMAN 2
Well I never.

St. PETER
Forget it babe, we’ve already done that joke.

WOMAN 2
Oh really!   Look I am not used to this kind of sarcasm!

St. PETER
No?   Then just what kind of sarcasm are you used to?   I thought you Pommies copped the lot from everyone jack of the ethnic-stump.

WOMAN 2
I don’t have to stand here and take this kind of abuse from you!

MAN 3 (Coming up behind her.)
Well here, take a seat.

Placing a chair behind her.

St. PETER
That’s right.   You can always change your mind and go to the other place.

Pointing at his feet.

WOMAN 2
You mean down-under?

St. PETER
Cripes it’s not that bad down under.   Even under the Liberals.   No, I meant you could go to Hell.

WOMAN 2
Oh!   Well the same to you.

St. PETER
That’s a typical thick-skinned Pommie remark.

There is a ringing from off stage.

St. PETER
Well as much as I’m enjoying standing here like an idiot, chatting away with you, I’m afraid I haven’t got all day …
(Half a beat.)
So follow me.

He takes her to the sixth door to the right.

He walks through the doorway and there are sounds of doors being opened and shut one after the other.

St. PETER
Right here’s one.

WOMAN 2 (Walking through the doorway.)
Hello me…
(Half a beat.)
I’m God.

St. PETER
Christ!   Pommies, they’re all the same.

The fourth door opens and the head of JESUS CHRIST pops out.

JESUS CHRIST
You rang, Pete?

St. PETER
No, no, Christ, I was just blaspheming again.

JESUS CHRIST
Oh, that’s all right then.   Sorry, my mistake again.

He pops his head back through the door and closes it again.

St. PETER
That’s okay, man.

Ringing sound from off stage.

St. PETER
All right all right, hold your horses, I’m coming.

He closes the sixth door behind him, then walks over to the edge of the stage.

St. PETER
What in the blazes is this anyway?   Peak hour? …
(Half a beat.)
Right, denomination?

MAN 3
Methodist.

He walks over to the fourth door, followed by MAN 3, and knocks.

A pause of a few seconds before he bangs on the door again.

The door opens and Christ sticks his head out.

JESUS CHRIST
This time it’s for me, man?

JESUS CHRIST
Oh sorry about that.   I thought that you were just doing your block again.

St. PETER (Shaking his head slowly)
Jesus Christ!

JESUS CHRIST
That’s me, man.

St. PETER (Looking up into the air.)
I won’t scream!   I won’t scream!

JESUS CHRIST
Well let’s have a look at the new offering.

St. PETER
New offal is more like it Chris.   I’ve gotta warn you this dude is the original square cat.   And I do mean with a capital “square”.

JESUS CHRIST
Sounds pretty gruesome, man.

St. PETER
Gruesome doesn’t begin to describe him, Chris.   This cat is nowhere city; he’s the original “Nowhere Man”…
(Half a beat.)
This cat couldn’t be with it if he were living with the Flintstones in Bedrock.

JESUS CHRIST
Sounds grim, pal.   But you’d better let me have a look at him anyway Pete-baby.

St. PETER (Turning to talk to MAN 3.)
Right over you go.

The man walks over and stands a few paces away from Christ.

JESUS CHRIST
Cripes Pete, you weren’t havin’ me on at all, I’ll say that for you.   He’s a turdy looking bastard all right…
(Looking straight at MAN 3)
Right you short-back-and-sided-lout.   This is where the with it set get their revenge for having to put up with nearly two thousand years of crap from you square cats.

MAN 3
But I…
(Half a beat.)
I thought that you were nearly two thousand years old anyway?   So how come you’re so…
(Half a beat.)
So mod looking?

MAN 3
Well then how come you’re with it when you’re nearly two thousand years old?

JESUS CHRIST
Hey man, once you’re dead nobody keeps track of your birthdays.   Up here you’re as young as you feel.

St. PETER
What he really means is that you’re as young as who you feel up.   And you should see some of the chicks up here…
(Half a beat.)
I mean they don’t call it Heaven for nothing you know.

JESUS CHRIST
Hey Petie you know I’m not into any of that sexist bullshit.

St. PETER
Oh no?   Since when?   That’s not what you usually say.   Are you sure you’re not just worried about your old lady.

Jesus scans his head carefully to left and right then says to MAN 3.

JESUS CHRIST
You can’t see a big ball-busting bitch anywhere who looks like the white death itself?

MAN 3 (Looking about.)
Er…
(Half a beat.)
No.

JESUS CHRIST (To St. PETER.)
I’m not afraid of her at all!

JESUS CHRIST
Well, hardly at all.

St. PETER (To MAN 3.)
Actually it’s just that he’s finally worked out, that since 95% of churchgoers these days are women, he can’t afford to be sexist…
(Half a beat.)
Anymore.

JESUS CHRIST
Now you’re getting with it a bit Pete.   Besides, if I was going to be sexist at all, it would be against men not women.

MAN 3
Yeah?   Why’ s that?

JESUS CHRIST
Because I prefer women to men, and stick the snide remarks Petie.

St. PETER
You do, do you?   And they said you were thick as a brick!

JESUS CHRIST
Who said I was thick as a brick?

St. PETER
Not to mention dense as a fence.

JESUS CHRIST
Who said I was dense as a fence?

St. PETER
I said not to mention dense as a fence!

MAN 3
Hmm, well that joke really dates you.

JESUS CHRIST
Well something has to.   He can’t find any women around here who will…
(Half a beat.)
Wait here a moment.

He goes back through the door way and comes out again carrying a bundle of clothing which he hands to MAN 3.

JESUS CHRIST
Anyway if you’re coming with me I suppose you’d better at least make yourself a bit presentable.   Strip to the waist and get off your shoes and socks.   Then put on the T-shirt and thongs.   You can wait till you’re in private before changing into the jeans, man.

MAN 3
Yes, Lord.
(Starting to do as instructed.)

JESUS CHRIST
And you can stick the ‘Lord’ business.   That went out with Joan of Arc too.   Around here it’s strictly Chris.

Man 3 finishes changing, then Christ starts walking toward the door.

JESUS CHRIST
Right follow me…
(Half a beat.)
Oh yes…
(He stops to look back.)
And let that hair grow man.   If it isn’t at least down to your shoulders in three month’s time, it’s out on your arse you go.

MAN 3
What happens then?

MAN 3
Couldn’t I just go to the other place.

JESUS CHRIST
No. no, man, they don’t want our rejects either.   I know that they’re supposed to get all the people who are too bad for us up here…
(Half a beat.)
But it doesn’t mean bad in that sense.   It means bad-evil.   Not bad-square.

MAN 3
What’ll I do with these?
(Holding up his old clothes.)

JESUS CHRIST
Give ‘em to Petie.   He’ll throw ‘em out through a black hole for you.

MAN 3
But isn’t that a waste of good clothes?

JESUS CHRIST
Good clothes?   No way man!   Up here no one, but no one, wears square duds like those anymore.

MAN 3 hands the clothes to St. PETER who takes them over to the first door which he opens.   He throws the clothing through, then slams closed again.

There is a ringing from off stage again.

St. PETER
Well I’ve gotta split man.   The rush hour continues.

JESUS CHRIST
Like see you around man.

JESUS CHRIST and MAN 3 go through the fourth door and it closes.

St. PETER
Six in an hour, what is this anyway?
(He walks over to the edge of the stage.)
Right, denomination?

MAN 4
I’m an atheist.

MAN 4
1 said I’m an atheist…
(Half a beat.)
Anyway just what the Hell is going on here?

St. PETER
You died and now you’re in Heaven waiting to be placed.

MAN 4
Waiting to be placed?   You make it sound as though I’m unemployed.

St. PETER
Well in a way you are.   As a rule dead people don’t have jobs.

MAN 4
Dead people…?
(Half a beat.)
Hey wait a second, just what are you trying to pull here?

St. PETER
I’m not trying to pull anything.   I’m not that way inclined.   I only like chicks.

JESUS CHRIST O/S
(Voice from behind door four.)
That’s what he says…
(Half a beat.)
But I’m not convinced.

JESUS CHRIST
(Sticking head round corner of door.)
Like, you called?

St. PETER
Only to say, shut up!

JESUS CHRIST (Sulkily.)
That’s no way to talk to a deity.

He pokes head back in door and shuts door with a slam.

MAN 4
Just what’s with the dead and in Heaven routine?

MAN 4
But how could I be dead, when I’m standing here talking to you?

MAN 4
Then where am I?   I mean where is my body?

St. PETER
Well how would I know?   It might be laid out somewhere on a slab in a Mortician’s office.   Or perhaps in the spare bedroom at your house, or maybe even 1.8 metres underground.

MAN 4
1.8 metres underground?

St. PETER
In the old measure that’s six feet underground.   Didn’t you know Heaven’s gone metric?

MAN 4
Really?   No I didn’t know that.

Door four opens and JESUS CHRIST sticks his head around the corner again.

JESUS CHRIST
Oh yeah, man, like aeons ago.   We’ve mastered all those new fangled measures…
(Half a beat.)
You know, like kilowatts…
(Half a beat.)
And centipedes…
(Half a beat.)
And millipedes…
(Half a beat.)
All that jazz.   We’ve mastered all of it.

JESUS CHRIST
There are ten millipedes in a centipede…
(Half a beat.)
And a thousand centipedes makes a kilowatt.

MAN 4
Wow, he’s not as dumb as he looks.

St. PETER
Thank Christ!

JESUS CHRIST
That’s all right, any time buddy.

St. PETER
Now get lost!

JESUS CHRIST (Sulkily.)
I told you before, that’s no way to talk to a deity.

He pokes his head back behind door four and slams door again.

MAN 4 (To St. PETER.)
Oh come on, you must really think that I’m some kind of a gullible rube.   What do you take me for anyway?   Do you really expect me to believe that I’m dead and in heaven?

St. PETER
It’s true.   You’re dead and in Heaven.

MAN 4
Sure I am.   Now why don’t you try pulling the other one, and see what it plays.

MAN 4
Really, now what in the world makes you say that?

St. PETER
Look, take my word for it; you’re dead and in Heaven.   Now what denomination do you want to be?

MAN 4
I told you before, I’m an atheist…
(Half a beat.)
This can’t be happening to me…
(Clutching his head in his hands.)
I don’t believe in any of this.

St. PETER (To himself.)
This bloke’s a genuine atheist all right.   He won’t believe in Heaven even when he’s standing at the front door…
(Half a beat.)
Well don’t worry about it.   Just follow me.

He goes over to the first door and throws it open.

St. PETER
Just step right through here.

MAN 4
What’s out there?

St. PETER
Don’t worry, just step through.

MAN 4
I’m not moving one centipede…
(Half a beat.)
Er…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, one centimetre…
(Half a beat.)
Until you tell me what’s out there.

MAN 4
A black hole?

St. PETER
That’s rights.   You atheists believe that everything ceases with death, and up here we aim to please.

MAN 4
Er well, listen…
(Half a beat.)
I was only kidding about being an atheist.

St. PETER
You were?

MAN 4
That’s right.

St. PETER
Then what are you really?

MAN 4
Er, um…
(Half a beat.)
Er…
(Half a beat.)
A black Moslem, that’s what I am…
(Half a beat.)
A black Moslem…
(Half a beat.)
Groo-oo-oovy mon!

MAN 4
That’s right, I’m a black Moslem, mon…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, man.

MAN 4
What’s that?

St. PETER
You’re the whitest honky-black Moslem, I’ve ever seen…
(Half a beat.)
In fact I’ve never seen a white black Moslem at all before.

MAN 4
You haven’t?   Er, yeah well I guess not…
(Half a beat.)
Actually I’m a Jew.   Jewish I am yes.

St. PETER
Forget it.   You could cut that accent with a blunt butter-knife.   Christ we’ll have the Mossad after us if we let you get away with a phoney Jewish accent like that!

MAN 4
Would you believe that I’m a Catholic?

St. PETER
I don’t really think.   Not if it means having to try and give one to the ball-bursting bull bitch again.

MARY O/S
(From behind the fifth door.)
Just try it, you sexist creep.   I’d knee you so hard, you’d be able to take a leak through your arse!

St. PETER
Er, no, no, that’s out of the question…
(Half a beat.)
I’d sooner dive into the black hole myself than to have to try and give her one again.

MAN 4
How about a Methodist?

MAN 4
What about a Hari Krishna?

St. PETER
Make that one in a billion…
(Half a beat.)
Hari-Kari I might just believe…
(Half a beat.)
But Hari Krishna, no way…
(Half a beat.)
Care to try for one in a trillion?

MAN 4
How about a Mormon?

MAN 4
I hear they’re going cheap this time of year!

St. PETER
So what’s news?   They’re always going cheap.   We call them the budgie religion…
(Half a beat.)
Look there’s no way you’re a Mormon…
(Half a beat.)
A moron maybe, but not a Mormon!

MAN 4
Very well then…
(Half a beat.)
All kidding aside now…
(Half a beat.)
I’m really a Buddhist.

MAN 4
What do you mean I don’t look Indian?   My great grandfather was Geronimo himself…
(Half a beat.)
Oops…
(Half a beat.)
Actually I meant to say I’m a Zen Buddhist.

St. PETER
Well you don’t look Japanese either.

MAN 4
Ha, ha, all kidding aside…

St. PETER
You’ve already said that.

MAN 4
I have…
(Half a beat.)
Ha ha…
(Half a beat.)
Oh yes
(Starting to sound hysterical.)
Ha ha…
(Half a beat.)
Actually I’m a demonologist…
(Half a beat.)
Ha ha…
(Half a beat.)
I’m a spy from the other place…
(Half a beat.)
Ha ha ha.

St. PETER (Grabbing him by the arm.)
Well just step out through this door.

MAN 4
But that’s where the black hole is…
(Half a beat.)
Ha ha.

St. PETER leads MAN 4, who is laughing hysterically, over to the first door, which
St. PETER opens, and then throws MAN 4 through.

MAN 4’s last hysterical laugh turns into a scream in mid note.

St. PETER (Sounding satisfied.)
Well that’s a good morning’s work.
(Looking at his wristwatch.)
Ah good, time for lunch.

St. PETER starts to walk off stage to the right.   But there is the sound of a bell ringing at the left of stage.

St. PETER (Looking at his wristwatch again.)
Jesus, can’t I even stop for a bite of lunch?

Sound of bell is more insistent than before.

St. PETER
Oh well there’s no rest for the wicked…
(Half a beat.)
Or the dead for that matter either.

He turns and starts across to the LHS of stage.

END OF PLAY:
© Copyright 2010
Philip Roberts