“Um ok – I’m glad of that I think. I can see though you no longer have the fungus Scoof”

“Yeah…I eventually applied the cream. My wife used the holy temptation of her crotch to make me kill my fungi babies. I’m only a man after all. You know what I mean doc, right, eh, eh!”

“Yes Scoof I know what you mean. So please Scoof, what does this have to do with you being here today?”

“Hold on to your panties Doc, I’m getting to that. After the death of my fungi babies I went into deep post natal depression. I mourned the loss of my little ones and began to become obsessed with having a baby of my own. After all, why should women be the only ones to have children? I craved the experience of having my own child”

“Um Scoof – I think I need to refer you to…”

“Shut up Doc. I haven’t finished. Don’t make me mad ok”

“Ok Scoof – don’t get upset. It’s alright. I’m listening”

“Ok – so I wanted my own baby. I thus went and visited a witch doctor in an east Peruvian jungle village that was referred to me by a Triond forum user. The witch doctor had wild divergent eyes and living snakes as ear-rings in his incredibly stretched earlobes. He sucked the mucus of a hermaphrodite litter slug and conferred with the Gods. The Gods told him that I needed to live inside the carcass of an adult silver-back Rwandan gorilla that had died by accidental drowning in albino hippopotamus urine. I was to live inside the carcass for nine months and eat nothing but discarded jackal placentas. Incredibly the witch doctor has such a carcass and plenty of placentas, and all it cost me was four mutant aardvark tails.”

“Triond forum user! – what the hell is that?”

“Don’t worry Doc – they’re the craziest bunch of mothers you will ever see – avoid them at all costs. Anyway, I lived inside this carcass as instructed and indeed my belly began to swell. I was incredibly excited. I could feel my baby grow and wiggle inside me. Then the time came. I felt a massive pain in my stomach. It grew in incredible intensity and I began to scream in agony. The witch doctor heard my screaming and came and kicked me violently in the nuts seven times. I burst out of my gorilla carcass and began vomiting. I vomited so hard that I thought I had expunged my intestines all over the ground. I then realised in horror that it wasn’t my intestines but a giant friggen tape worm. I wasn’t carrying a baby at all – it was just a stinking massive tape worm.”

“My mother in heaven; you’re insane”

“Yeah I was Doc – insane with anger. So I killed that friggen witch doctor and ate his brains. Unfortunately his wacky weed marinated brain gave me the worse case of diarrhoea I’ve ever experienced. I crapped without pause for three days straight. I nearly died. Anyway I did eventually recover and made my way back home.”

“…and?”

“Well Doc, is it normal for hemorrhoids to bleed?”