” Dear Brain

      I’m sorry it has come to this, but you have caused me more pain and agony than I have bargained for and I would like to request new management.. preferably me. “

                       Ofcourse in reality, if I did write a  letter to my brain, it would probably contain swearing, or some other very unpleasant things. To be honest I really don’t know who to blame, whether its myself, my family, or some stress I have had to put up with. However I am not really qualified to diagnose myself with a specific mental disorder. I just feel that I have something that causes me to do repetitive behaviors to relieve some sort of anxiety, and I hate it.  

            For some reason its all about cleaning habits for me. I wash my hands excessively, and I wipe my ” you know what” excessively. Sure I can talk to myself when I’m doing it, I could say to myself… ” this isn’t necessary, you have done enough”  but then there is another voice inside my brain another more persistent voice. ” You have to do this, you are not clean, it will drip and get you sick, and people will smell you, you will be even more of a reject than you already are.” I don’t know why, but the other voice, the bad voice is just easier to listen to. It’s easier to give into it, really is. 

           Sometimes I like to picture the bad voice, as a demon or a monster that is controlling my brain and seeks to destroy me, or cause me to kill myself by throwing an overwhelming amount of anxiety my way. I like to think this demon enjoys watching me clean myself over and over again, I think he gets a kick out of watching me suffer. This demon is a persistent bastard, and even during the times where I tried to resist where I tried to stop wiping my ass as much, he kept throwing thoughts at me, he kept making me feel like, there was crap in my pants, and that everyone was going to smell it. I looked around, nobody looked like they smelled anything, but I was afraid they were hiding it, I was afraid they did smell something, and that they would hate me more for it. All the while this fucking demon was sitting back and laughing. 

           Reality and fear have this real messed up way of mixing with eachother, it really is insane. Sure I know it s all in my head, but I can’t convince myself of that. I lose myself constantly to this mind that would cause me do things that don’t even accomplish anything, they just make me feel better. 

     Whats worse is the people that tell me to just “get over it”, like its so simple. They tell me to just not “think about it” and then they pressure me over the things I do just to make my brain shutup. In reality they are only adding to the problem, and they are stressing me out even more causing me to lose myself quicker. I freaking hate people….. This just never gets any easier, it really doesn’t.

     I really hope I can be in Control of myself again,  I hope that I can get myself back one day, I hope I can get some help, and I hope that I can eventually send this demon back to the Hell where he came from.