Relationship maintenance is work; love is earned on a moment-to-moment basis, and if taken for granted, causes a relationship to suffer. This is true of all relationships, from friends, to family, to romantic couples. Ironically, complacency grows out of confidence. A strong relationship can begin to suffer by degrees because those concerned have grown too comfortable in the strength of their bond, denying the deleterious nature of the “little things,” leading to a buildup of issues that can fester for months or even years. Of course, sweating all the small stuff–picking at every inconsistency, and challenging every peccadillo every time they occur—will only lead to UFC events in the kitchen because HE didn’t rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, or because SHE used the sushi knife to slice the sourdough, and can cause as much damage as would be caused by negligence.

    While I am as guilty as the next person for being complacent now and then, and even more guilty of declaring war and marathon heart-to-hearts about the psychological roots of every stumble along the path, my own over-analysis of every facet of the relationship I share with my fiancé has never led to blowout fights, or even what could be construed as a legitimate argument. Much like the content of this blog post, I’m afraid, a relationship-analyzing conversation is usually a one-sided, semi-organized meandering of stale reflections seeking affirmation. The result of these cries for affirmation from a like-minded companion is often alienation. The receiver is alienated due to lack of preparation for an in-depth analysis of some aspect of the relationship otherwise perfectly content in the blissful status quo. The deliverer is alienated due to an overabundance of insight into something better left obscure.

    How to strike that balance? How to recognize a poignant perusal of relationship dynamics and distinguish it from the dreamlike observations and projections that wander into my brain without regard for timing or finesse? The first step is to learn to let go of mistakes—on both sides—and stop trying to connect the dots of the errors of years gone by to the peculiarities of now. ‘A place for everything, and everything in its place.’ The place for the past is behind us, and the place for analysis of peculiarities is tomorrow, where we can look back on them and laugh in the safety of knowing they are now a part of the past. Of course, this is only a theory, and practice and theory have never been synonymous.