Here are more of my stupid questions, folks!

Why is it that in 2011 we cannot invent an elevator that doesn’t work during a fire?  On a related note, who is Otis and why is his name on every elevator?

A sexy blonde I know asked me: “WHY is the snow white?”  On a related note, if the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Why is it when something is bad we say, “That’s so retarded.”?   Why don’t we say things like, “That’s so teen pregnancy” or “That’s so brain cancer?”

Did you know that your average turkey inseminator only makes 33,000 bucks a year?

Who names their kid after a beverage you can buy with food stamps?  Or is Iced- T a stage name?

Why is it that nowadays any guy who CHOOSES to go into the military for a job is praised and called a “hero” and yet men who were FORCED to go into Vietnam were spat upon and called “baby-killers” when/IF they returned home?  Do these people have some sort of collective guilty conscience now?

Why do people say “it’s always the last place you look” when referring to something that is lost?  Would you not stop looking if you found something you lost in the FIRST place?

Why do most filmmakers insist on “hitting us over the head” with clues and signs as to the time of year, location, etc?  On a related note, do they truly think that moviegoers are less intelligent than people who actually read books?

What part of “illegal” do some people still not understand?

Did you know that condoms were originally made of animal intestines or linen? 

Did you know the male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away?

A lady I know asked me: “Why do you always have an itch in a place where you can’t scratch it?”

Did you know that the practice of eating sushi off a woman’s naked body is called Nyotaimori?  (Come to think of it, every time I “eat sushi” the woman is usually totally naked . . . unless we’re in a car . . .)

Does it bother you that some of these stupid questions are not so cleverly disguised trivia?

Do you guys really read these questions just to check to see if I say something about lesbians?

When you’re sitting on the upstairs floor, are you sitting on the downstairs ceiling?

Did you know that if you have sex with someone who pretends to be dead it’s called Pseudonecrophilia?  (It’s also called pretty f*cked up!)

If you microwave a Hot Pocket and set it aside until it goes COLD is it now just called a Pocket?

Did you know that kissing is very good for your teeth?  The extra saliva released during the act helps to keep the mouth clean – reducing the risk of decay.

Are you guys tired of these stupid questions yet?

I sure hope not!

My name is Phoenix and . . . that’s the bottom line.