Something I wrote as a joke. It sucks too.
We Dream of the Universe!
Ok, hello there. I’m not very good with this new computer Cyrus got me and all so bear with me. No, we couldn’t keep our old computers. Cyrus was all “Those computers are so crappy we need new ones!!” Then he buys us these hunks of junks. I think a computer run over by a truck would’ve worked better then this sorry excuse for technology.
Moving on. So yesterday Cyrus was lecturing us on how we were low on members and such because they all keep quitting or getting captured. So he told us all to go find some new members. The only problem is, us Commanders don’t really want to go out and bother a bunch of people. It takes too long and we run a risk of getting into some serious crap with those who oppose us. So instead, we’re gonna post this thing.
If your interested in joining, then read ahead and see all of our rules and such. The application will be at the bottom, I promise. For those who aren’t interested, read ahead anyways. You never know, you may wanna join. And if not, that’s your own dang problem.
Team Galactic Eterna Building
We accept all Pokemon donations.
Hours are between 8:00-6:00
We are open 365 days a year.
Call us at 330-587-4837
Representitives are standing by!
Sorry. We have to advertise…
Rules and Regulations!!
1. You must think you are much older then you really are.
Some people get the misconception that we only allow old people into our team. In reality, we allow anyone. We’re just to shallow to admit to it. Some of our members are in denial anyways. So be like them.
2. You must have common Pokemon like Glameow or Stunky.
Some people get the crazy idea they’re aloud to bring random Pokemon like Kriketune or Ponyta into our team. We only allow Wurmple (and its evoloutions), Glameow, Croagunk, Stunky, Murkrow, Zubat (and Golbat), and Houndour. This is to avoid confusiong between our members.
3. You must not evolve any of your Pokemon
If you evolve your Pokemon. (Unless listed otherwise) It makes the Commanders look wimpy. So you can’t evolve anything even if it makes you a wimp bag.
4. You must have or be willing to have hideous hair
We feel that having freaky hair makes us all stand out better. Plus it gives people something to laugh about. Anyways, we require that all Team Galactic members have sky blue bowl-cut hair.
5. You must have a lot of patience and a long attention span
Sometimes Team Galactic grunts will be required to do some guarding. So you must be able to literally stand in the same dang spot and stare blankly into space for hours on end. Its required that if a Commander tells you to guard you do so until someone tells you otherwise, even if your standing there for 20 years.
6. You must have a very strong stomach
Mars isn’t exactly the best cook. So if you can’t gulp down some pretty disgusting food, you won’t last 5 minutes in Team Galactic.
7. You must think your a space-person
Everyone already thinks were space people anyways. So its probably better if all Team Galactic members just think they’re one anyways to prevent confusion among people.
8. You must have a very wide vocabulary
Team Galactic members are generally required to know very large words. If you can’t think of anything cooler or smarter to do, the best thing to do is the scream random large and seemingly meaningless words and walk away. It also scores points with Cyrus.
9. You must like to detonate things
Team Galactic works alot with explosives. So if your against things exploding then Team Galactic might not be for you. Or you at least might wanna stay away from Jupiter. She has alot of dynamite and you never know when she’s gonna want to use it.
10. You must be very unobservant or forgetful of small details
Sometimes Cyrus accidentally blabs his secrets and plans to grunts when he probably shouldn’t. Cyrus wants everyone to be completely clueless on the goals and missions of Team Galactic. If you remember something Cyrus told you, you might just find yourself getting fired very soon.
11. You must have a weak sense of smell or be tolerant to bad smells
Skuntank stinks up the headquarters alot. Or at least Jupiter claims it was Skuntank. But sometimes I think its really her. Either way, things stink around here alot.
12. You must be good with technology
Half of Team Galactic is all about the in depth research and extractions and whatnot. We may have scientists to deal with that, but being technologically inclined will prove useful.
13. You must have money to pay for your own bed
Unless you wanna sleep in the nap room. That sign warning people to make sure the bed is unoccupied before getting into it isn’t there to make you laugh.
14. You must not be creeped out by the previous requirement
If that freaks you out, you may not like some of the conversations that go on around Team Galactic. This is why we advise people to pay for their beds. If you don’t pay for your bed, you’ve been warned. But don’t come crying to us when some random grunt decided he wants to sleep with you. We don’t have condoms to stop you from getting pregnant if your a girl.
15. You must not take drugs or smoke
The members of Team Galactic are crazy enough and we don’t need more reasons to make them act like idiots. Not to mention the fact that we’ve already attracted enough police attention without you people.
16. You must not own any steroids
We learned that one the hard way when Pluto found someone’s steroids… We all slept outside that night.
17. You must be good at distracting people
Team Galactic grunts are required to be very good at causing distractions even if you have to dance like a chicken to do so. Sometimes people will get the idea that they can just walk right past you just because you aren’t paying very good attention or they think they’re cooler then you are. Don’t let them just get by without being distracted first.
18. You must not be affiliated with any other villainous groups
We might not have any rivals like the whole Team Aqua and Team Magma thing, but we really don’t need to worry about where your loyalties lie. Last thing we need is for you to go gallivanting off to help someone else when we need you. We also don’t need to hear other peoples problems. We don’t care.
19. You must know some basic math skills
Sometimes Pluto will get the idea that he can just ask people math problems at random. Knowing the answer won’t score you any points with Cyrus, but it will probably make Pluto leave you alone.
20. You must think Cyrus is amazing
Actually, I don’t know the reason behind this being on the list. Cyrus just asked me to include it.
21. You must like space
Our whole theme is kind of space and galaxy and the universe and whatnot. So if you hate space then it defeats the whole purpose of you being a member of Team Galactic.
22. You must be good at memorizing important stuff
The first thing we teach Team Galactic members when they join is how the warp panels in our Veilstone building connect. So if you can’t even figure that out you’ll be the lowest of the grunts until you do. Because we won’t let you battle or help out until you know where those panels go.
23. You must like wearing gaudy clothing
Like with the hair, we really like to stand out and be seen by the people passing by. So you’d better like dressing like your about to go voyage to the moon or something or I’m not sure how this will work out. And no, you don’t need a helmet. Those just look silly.
24. You must be good at gloating
Team Galactic has alot to tell about itself. So the more you gloat the more amazing you make us sound and the more points you score with Cyrus.
25. You must be emotionless
Well, you don’t HAVE to be. But I wouldn’t skip around singing Ring Around the Rosy if Cyrus is nearby. Just let Cyrus think you don’t have any emotions at least and we can work around that. Trust me, nobody on this team is as emotionless as we’re leading Cyrus to thinking we are.
26. You must know what it means to stem the flow of time
Nobody knows what that means….
Well they should know anyways!!!
Even I don’t know what that means. And I’m the head of intelligence at this place. How do you expect anyone to know something that even the head of intelligence doesn’t know? By the way, I don’t think what you wrote in 25 was very smart.
Nobody asked you! But fine… Ok, you don’t HAVE to know what stemming the flow of time means. But bonus points to anybody who does.
27. You must be nameless or not care about being nameless
We have alot of grunts and such in this team and they all kind of look the same. So its hard for us to try and remember the names of a bunch of people who literally look identical in every sense of the word. So we don’t bother with names. Only Commanders get names. If you become a Commander, then we require you have a planet name because as you can see, we have a theme. But I wouldn’t get your hopes up about becoming a Commander.
28. You must have basic reading skills
We kind of need you to be able to read so you can read reports and whatnot. If you can’t read, we have a problem. But then again, if you can’t read, why would you be this far down the list?
29. You must not be older then Cyrus
It makes Cyrus feel unimportant if a member is spontaneously older then him. And as much as you people want to think, our wonderful leader isn’t 40 years old. He’s only 27.
30. You must not care about not celebrating holidays
Since Cyrus is so anti-emotions and whatnot, we don’t actually celebrate any holidays because it really ticks Cyrus off. So you’ll have to just forget those petty things and move on.
31. You must be dumber then dirt
Ok, you don’t have to be dumber then dirt. But 9/10 people on the team already are dumber then a box of rocks. So if you have the intelligence of a post then you’ll fit in much better. Anyways, you get paid regardless.
32. You must be willing to do anything for the team
If a high ranked Team Galactic member tells you to do something you do it regardless of how stupid or painful it may be. We do assure you we try not to order members to jump off cliffs or anything, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
33. You must be somewhat graceful
We do alot of things like jump out of helicopters or run over mountains. So if you trip over thin air then you’ll probably accomplish little. You won’t be a field agent; that’s for sure. Not unless you wanna get laughed at and potentially die.
34. You must not care about attracting police attention
We ARE the villains, you know. So we do attract police attention on a daily basis. You can’t expect to go trotting down the streets like a happy little pixie and not attract any attention to yourself. We’re villains, it happens. And if you can’t accept that then you clearly aren’t cut out for the life of a villain.
35. You must be willing to get trounced by a 10 year old every now and then
Sometimes little 10 year old kids somehow magically manage to get inside out HQ. And with the shitty selection of Pokemon we allow you, your probably going to be defeated. Don’t feel bad, when the intruder faces his level 53 Torterra against your level 26 Wurmple, you don’t have a chance of winning.
This is all I can think of… I’ll add more if I remember them. Anyways, here’s the next part…
Why did you put gender twice?
I didn’t put gender twice you’re just imagining things!! It was probably just a typo you made or something. I obviously am not stupid enough to put gender twice.
Why Cyrus is amazing:
Interested in Joining?
Then come up and ask. We’re glad to have new members. Cyrus will be secretly pleased. But don’t let him know that. He pretends to be indifferent. Have any questions, comments, or concerns?
You can call us at out toll number: 330-842-5299
What? You expect this call to be free? We need to make a living you know. You think criminals just roll around in money whenever they want. We’re rich for a good reason.
Our hours are the same as our Eterna Building.
You can also schedule an appointment to come in and talk to someone. You will get a personal tour of the HQ and have the chance to ask any questions, express any concerns, or add any comments. Be careful, some members take comments very seriously. Just remember to schedule an appointment before you come. Most members won’t take fancy to you just inviting yourself in our buildings without good reason.
Team Galactic is not affiliated with any other space related companies. We have no relationship with Galaxy Pizza, nor do we work with the Space Center Arcade, and we also hold no affiliation to Universal Movies and Cars. (Oh yeah, cars and movies; such a wonderful combo… NOT!!!)
We also have nothing to do with the game corner in Veilstone City. By the way, stop spinning those Team Galactic symbols. We know you are.
Do not copy, redistribute, or claim this flier as your own.
If you do, Pluto will personally appear next to you when you sleep. And that will be an unpleasant experience you’ll never be able to forget.
Welcome to Authspot, the spot for creative writing.
Read some stories and poems, and be sure to subscribe to our feed!