I always wished I was old enough to appreciate the 80’s. You know really old enough. like 20 or 21 and a half so I could rush in and purchase Huey Lewis and the News’s new 80’salbum “Fore.” Or know the voyeuristic pleasure of scorching ones upper mouth on very hot melted cheese and parsnip Fondue. I want to get excited over carpet on walls and then learn to “RELAX”. I want to be able to appreciate Scar-face so much that I have a shrine to him. Or feel like I could stay on Stallone’s couch if I was in a bind because I sat ring side through Rocky One and winced at every blow. I want to Remember a time where you had to watch the previews on a VHS before the “feature Presentation” because fast-forwarding through them was actually slower.

Formica I love it but I don’t know why. I think it’s the way it rolls of the tongue. It really lets you know you’ve said it. FORMICA, the way it snaps at the end. if you say it forcefully enough it actually hurts your teeth.

I was up in my neighbor’s attic the other day. He wasn’t home but I had the sudden urge to pretend I was in an 80’s movie like the Goonies and just break in and snoop around with a flashlight. I had a sneaking suspicion he was either a zombie or a pirate, and his wife was always out at weird times of the day, further arousing my suspicions and suggesting she was a spy or having an affair. Woman, they are always out having an affair.

My neighbors have a Woody station wagon. The one with balsa inlays. It has an eight track but Billy idols White Wedding is stuck in it. I’d know if they where coming home because I’d hear Idols melodic riff a block away. My neighbor is like Wayne Salinski from Honey I shrunk the kids. except less awesome, Because of the severe lack of  a shrinking ray up in his attic. He doesn’t even have a SLOTH in his basement.

I automatically and ignorantly assume that everybody must have a reference to an 80’s movie in their life. Me personally. I have seen two Deloreans in my life one was in Back to the future the other was at the traffic lights in Slough.

This guy had made it look exactly like the time machine from the hit trilogy starring Michael J. Fox he even went out and brought a Dog like Doc brown had. He even had the OUTTA TIME no. plates. It was the best use of aluminum foil and conduit I had ever seen. I really wish I could be that dedicated. He is the Mecca of 80’s reference. I just photo shopped my face onto the movie poster I had the same facial expression and everything. Next I am going to start collecting unwanted toasters and turning them into licensed ghost catchers, directly inspired by “Ghost busters” Mr. Murray wont return my calls for his endorsement. But the main thing is I am willing my self to go that next step. Short of actually inventing the hover board.

I don’t care if you have a Goonies T shirt or a licensed Light-saber or piece of “Wookie” fur. Unless you are prepared to go that extra mile and live the 80’s unashamedly and listen to Journey and Foreigner you are nothing. not even a Guns and Roses t-shirt will cut it. Change your name to Jake Ryan, actually start a Breakfast Club.  Me, I’m going home to watch ALF and have a pop tart I might wash my clothes in Lanolin and fall asleep to the rhythmic sounds of Dépêche Mode while the ammonia I used to wipe down my Formica seeps into my lungs and I dream of being Macgyver, and Balky from Perfect Strangers. That’s just for starters.