It’s very thought-provoking. I like the simplicity of it. ‘Many cherished graves ago’ is, I think, particularly good.

Wow! That was really good, and the picture of the atomic bomb exploding with the first two lines reading: The scorched earth wrapped around me,
Encasing my blackened bones.
Well done friend.

You’ve got some nice depth into some of these lines. Reminds me of when I went to visit the war cemeteries.

It has a strange sense of the second verse being different and detached from the first – perhaps the introduction of a(n unintentional??) rhyme scheme, and the rhythm changes tend to throw the reader off a bit.

That said, I really love the first verse – but the second seems a little rushed and not thought through as nicely as the former, with a couple of probable punctuation errors, and the last two lines might read better with some switched tenses.

Thanks Aizar and hfj!

I agree with you Ninja, I think that the second erse hould probably actually be the first verse and does need a little reworking to fit with it better. I basically generated this As a result of writing random whrases and falling in love withe the one at the start of the “second” verse, it seemed a shame not to try to include it.

Any rhyming scheme is completely unintentional I’m sorry to say. The rythm changes are deliberate, the syllables follow the same numerical patten in each of the verses, however the stress pattern in the second is much more disjointed and broken. It’s supposed to represent how the soul of the dead man is looking back at a single powerful fragment of his life which to him had always seemed to be an inevitable event and will now never happen.

I hope that answers your questions Ninja, however i will go over the verse again when I’ve cleared some alcohol from my system xD.

It would be nice to see this tidied up – the first verse is so lovely; it deserves a second one that matches!

Some punctuation points – I don’t think line 4 should have a comma at the end, and verse two line two should be a comma, not a full stop. And the question mark would be a full stop, unless you’re going to put it into quotation marks and make it a real question. Also, a note about that line – changing it so it doesn’t end in an “ee” sound would prevent the reader searching for a rhyme scheme, and would therefore in turn make the rhythm scheme naturally fit, because the reader would be more willing to read it disjointedly. Just a suggestion. Also, “would recount” might be better changed to simply “recounted” – still fits the rhythm (perhaps even improves it; depends just how broken you’re intending it to be…?), and adding “would” to a line is usually seen as something just to make the rhythm fit – it looks awkward and clunky when a simple past tense does the same job and conveys the correct tense meaning. Though having said that, “would” might work better than “will” in the last line – it depends how long ago it’s set: “will” suggests that the daughter is still a child, and that those things are yet to come, but he won’t see them – “would” suggests they’ve already happened, and he missed them (though of course brings with it the problems I’ve just mentioned, &c.).

I think it would work nicely with the verses either way round – one would be a fitting ending, the other leaves the reader hanging a little more, like quite a few last lines in your other work – I personally prefer the endings which feel less finished; they work so well in the stuff you write, especially the darker pieces.

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