It’s 1217pm. All’s quiet here at the old ranch. “Oh give me a home… ” …and all that shite. Dug! frolics happily in the garden, looking for the dead hedgehog we found there this morning, now removed and placed ( oh the irony! ) in a hedge adjoining the wheat field out back of the house. He/she has gone for the Big Hibernation in the Sky…

I digress.

London. A place that conjures images of frenetic madness in my mind’s eye. No friendly “Good afternoon” or “Isn’t it cold for the time of year” greetings are to be found here. But rather “Big Issue!” or “Spare change?” Usually uttered by scrawny individuals with haunted drug / drink filled eyes, who spring into your path with an agility born of desperation.

This, my dear reader, is where your humble narrator will find himself in a few hours time.

London.

First, a train and a window seat. Clickety-clack through rolling hills and fields. Too soon it eats the miles. Too soon the countryside is replaced by dilapidated houses, once proud victorian edifices, now crumbling graffiti covered ghettos, converted into flats and bedsits. The closer to London, the more depression the vista, the more grimy the window becomes.

This, a journey of about one hour’s duration. Relaxing with a simple cigarette and a book would be the gentlemanly way to travel by train. Alas! No smoking signs displayed on every coach window threaten severe penalties should one light up. I’ll roll a cigarette for my journeys end, under the disapproving wary eye of my fellow passengers, who believe in all the nonsense about passive smoking. The TV told them so.

On alighting from the train and leaving the Station, ( No smoking in the Station either. Perhaps they think that the added smoke from cigarettes, mixed in with the already disgusting smell of diesel and traffic fumes from the street outside, would be all too much ) I’ll thankfully have my smoke whilst heading for the underground.

London Underground. Imagine 400 people crammed into the living-room of your house and the doors and windows shut tight. Imagine sitting / standing like this for half an hour. This will give you an idea of what London Underground is like. Obviously, there’s no smoking here either.