I hate middle names. They don’t mean anything except if your name is John Smith or Jane Doe, then you have to stand out among all of the assorted Johns and Janes. But for the rest of us, middle names are ridiculous because they convey no real meaning, except maybe a sneaky way that a wife or mother can stick her maiden name into her childrens’ names. What’s really needed is to return to the middle ages where people used to have really cool middle names.

For instance, take William the Conqueror (c 1066). His last name, and I’m not kidding was Jones, something no one really knew, despite the fact that he came from France. He kept it secret because he didn’t want to be mistaken for being British.

Historic Middle Names

Now take one of the most famous guys of all, Alexander the Great. His last name and I’m deadly serious, was…Moscowitz. Therefore, his full name would be Alexander the Great Moscowitz. Because his middle name was really an adjective, he dropped his last name, because people would start to wonder what in hell is a great Moscowitz?

The middle name was everything even into the 18th century . People never remembered the sur name of kings and emperors. That’s because they could have had really silly names like D’Aloser. Imagine going to a restaurant and the Maitre’d announces something like “Table Ready for Louis XVI Da Loser” or “Table for Charles The Hammer Fotzo, Table for Charles The Hammer, Fotzo”. Believe me, when I tell you that Charles the Hammer, the hero of the battle of Tours, 732 AD, would never have wanted his secret last name, to leak out to his troops. They would have laughed so hard they would have wet their armor and the Battle of Tours would have been won by the hated Moors. The Moorish general’s battle cry, as they rode into combat, was, in fact, “… Tours for the Moors…Tours for the Moors”. But because Charles had a grasp on military battle psychology, he kept his ridiculous last name secret. Lucky for us, or we might all be eating Coos Coos…to this very day.