Maybe it’s my competitive nature, wired inherently, but why am I not content? I am happy but not content.  Why am I not satisfied with my accomplishments?  When I look around, I see people content with their lives, but I feel there is so much more that I need to accomplish.  It is a drive to be at the top, of whatever I am doing.  Am I selfish for that?  Am I selfish for wanting more, wanting the best?  Is it bad that I get mad when someone beats me…but I don’t get mad at the other person, I get mad at me, because I know I can do better. That I work at it until I am better.  Is it wrong that I take joy in people telling me I can’t do something, that it is impossible, and I turn around and do it?  Maybe it is the narcissist in me, but why do I feel like I have to be the best at everything.  I can always do better, run faster, work out harder, longer.  Why do I have this need to exceed?  When posed with a challenge, any challenge, I automatically think I can do it, even though I have no experience in what it is I am doing.  This has gotten me into some awkward situations, but I still prevail and I learn.  I have never been afraid of challenges, but I think I am afraid to change. I am afraid to be content, I say that because the moment I stop striving for something, the moment my drive is gone, what is there for me to do?  Be content?  No.  I can never be content, because it is the drive that keeps me going.  The drive keeps my head above water.  It gives me focus. 

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought.

—Basho

I can not be content because when I go home everyday I look around.  I see peoples faces, their eyes, mannerisms. I see people staring off into space, singing in the car, on the cell phone, texting. In some of those, I see sadness.  Driving home because that is the routine.  I see sadness, maybe because deep down they want to do something more? Staring off into space, imagining what life would be like…if they were not going home.  Singing in the car, imagining the flashing lights, smoke, and people around.  Talking on the phone to get away from the mundane, talking about anything other than going home.  Texting to have the mind fill in the blanks, the before and after of the “  L O L    “.  And as I drive home, I look in the mirror and I see me.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

—Will Rogers

Me.  I have been around the world.  Different cultures, different people have come across my path.  Slept in many different areas of the world, dug holes and slept in those too.  Jumped out of airplanes, ran marathons, swam in the oceans.  Braced for the below freezing temperatures and sweltered through 140 degree heat.  But really, who am I?  What have I done, to make the people around me, the places around me better?  If I answer that, it will be the answer to the question that is me.   To get the answer I must be driven to find it.

Work like you don’t need money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching

—Unknown Author

-LilRoastBeef (I breath, I bleed, and I too sing in the car)

*just some random thoughts on me…..