Once again I have peered into the darkest depth of creation and have pulled from the very nose of God himself a truth of incredulous potency. What I have to tell you here cannot be discounted – it is absolute. It also doubles as my response to the Writing Challenge – Round 9, where something is to be written using the words “blushing bride” and “artist”.

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One could be tempted to think that I am about to dive into the theoretical madness of physics and expunge my vast library of intelligence onto a disinterested audience that would prefer to hear in intricate detail the reflection of the full moon off a drop of dew resting delicately on a virgin rose petal. Never fear for there is too much fat accumulated within the fathomless depths of my cranial neurons to barely make a coherent thought yet alone make a statement of any meaning to the world of either Newtonian, Relativistic, or Quantum Physics. The mental freaks of nature that live in this arena are well beyond my capacity to comprehend – they are enveloped in their own superiority of theoretical mathematics and universal constructs; yet I know something they don’t.

There are a large number of constants used in physics, from the force of gravity, the speed of light to the charge of an electron. Apparently just the slightest change in any one of them would result in a universe that is ruled by giant spiders that lay eggs in human brains to feed their young. There are murmurings in the ranks however that perhaps these constants are not so constant after all. Perhaps they have wasted their lives like the rest of us useless scum that feed at the bosom of mother earth and drain her of the very Gaia life essence. So forget those nerdy geeks for they know nothing of real import.

Of course where the scientists stumble there are the theologians and philosophers standing there to gloat – laughing wicked contemptuous cackles and pointing stubby little ear wax stained fingers and heckling “we told you so, we told you so”. Inevitably some may direct you to the Buddha, who was to have mumbled once to a drunken monk the First Noble Truth that “Life is Dukkha”.  When I first heard this I thought that Dukkha was a euphemism for a giant steaming turd, which as it turns out was not too far from the truth. “Life is Dukkha” generally refers to the supposed truth that life is suffering. I am not going to argue with that because frankly it‘s just plain freaking obvious. For every moment of our tortuous lives there is some measure of discontent – even if its something as lowly as an itch in the middle of your stupid fat back that you just can’t reach so you rub yourself against a door frame only to have your boss walk in on you and once again wonder to them self what the hell it is you do around the place. This though is not the universal constant. It is however the life constant – a very human infliction.

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Comments (31)
  • Used to be Shelly on Aug 25, 2009

    LMFAO, yep, butt burger burpers. Classic. Great job, Duff. You always make me laugh.

  • AngelaDavid on Aug 25, 2009

    Geewhizzylizzy! Wheeerrre does this stuff come from? I was back and forth and back and forth with my belief “mechinisms”
    and then I saw the “ACTUAL” molecular structure of “sh*t happens”. Could this article actually be the beginning of the end?
    That is it! The “badest” arsed RETROVIRUS that “WHO” has ever encountered!!! hehe….can ya tell I liked it??

  • Phill Senters on Aug 25, 2009

    A word close to the beginning says it all, Duff: Madness! :)

  • David Crerand on Aug 25, 2009

    Great piece of work Duff, and the article isn’t bad either. Your rantings remind me of the political satirist Joe Black, only you have chosen the philosophical path for stirring up the pot! You do exhibit a slight prevalence toward anal fixation which might be a concern, but otherwise, discouragingly, your comments are as accurate as they are amusing. Keep up the good work so that we all know where we stand. Dave

  • Collette Edwards on Aug 25, 2009

    great piece, make you want to say hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! lol thanks for sharing . I bet it’s scarry inside your head at times isn’t it lmao ;)

  • Andrew Davies on Aug 25, 2009

    What you don’t like my intelligent design? I work in very mysterious ways Duff, very mysterious ways.

  • XXElleXX on Aug 26, 2009

    Most of this story was a little too mixed up in scientific detail that was, quite honestly, beyond me. But I do love your sense of humour and unique writing style Duff.

  • Kate Smedley on Aug 26, 2009

    Thank you for the diagrams Duff, they helped a lot … inspired insanity as always but I like your style!

  • WriteEditSeek on Aug 26, 2009

    This was brilliant! I’m convinced that to be able to truly write humorous material, you have to know what you’re talking about. You knowledge of various theories is incredible. Well done.

  • STEVE666 on Aug 26, 2009

    As usual, Duff, brilliantly put. Your stuff is so unique!

  • rutherfranc on Aug 27, 2009

    you haven’t changed.. and I haven’t joined for a while.. when’s the next one?

  • Butterfly Musings on Aug 30, 2009

    very intelligently written, well done

  • BullwinkleMuse on Aug 31, 2009

    I’d like to spend a day inside your head sometime, with a case of Foster’s. I love this one; and the caption for the last photos is priceless.

  • Mr Ghaz on Aug 31, 2009

    Wonderful post! Nicely done..grat thought as well. LIKED it!..thanks a lot for sharing.

  • Theresa Johnson on Aug 31, 2009

    great piece Duff. very interesting..

  • Morgana on Aug 31, 2009

    Well….lose – lose situation? :(

  • Littlekid137 on Aug 31, 2009

    looking through all these I need more work in mine :) this was very well thought out

  • J.L. Eck on Sep 1, 2009

    Ummmmm…you lost me at “real king chocolate starfish caves”…Woah dude! totally…woah…I never…uhhh…:)

  • maranatha on Sep 1, 2009

    I think a day trip inside your brain would be an insanity ride – but I’ll bring the Captain Morgan if you supply the glasses!

    What a trip! Sarcasm is not lost on you, is it Sir?

  • Katie Marie on Sep 1, 2009

    What can I say that hasn’t already been said? Your mind follows a unique but fascinating path.

  • hfj on Sep 1, 2009

    You should have been a politician. I don’t know what career path you followed, but if it wasn’t politics, your in the wrong career. You have a very distinct way of telling a story that only you posess. You give your take on about four different scenerio’s in this story for the reader, and managed to stay neutral during the process. Only a good writer has the ability to do that, which you definitely are. Congratulations friend.

  • Darla Cooke on Sep 1, 2009

    Very very interesting!

  • Mark Gordon Brown on Sep 1, 2009

    an entertaining read, as always

  • Brenda Nelson on Sep 5, 2009

    your whole plan of kicking God in the nuts is screwed if God turns out to be a woman.
    Then again, a woman probably wouldnt have tried to make Sunday shopping a bad thing. Although really Saturday was the Christians original day of worship so really we shouldnt stop on Saturdays if we cared, which personally I don’t but also I dont hardly shop at all since my pets keep deciding I should spend my money feeding and carring for them first and foremost.

  • Johanny Lisbeth on Sep 6, 2009

    lol I love the article because of your sense of humor!

  • Lauren Axelrod on Sep 8, 2009

    I’ve always been worried that a spider would crawl into my ear and lay eggs. However, the brain sounds a bit more alarming I think. lol

  • Ruby Hawk on Sep 14, 2009

    wonderful writing, a Duff special.

  • Leonardo da Vinci E. on Sep 19, 2009

    The universal constant is really: We are.

  • Ruby Hawk on Sep 21, 2009

    I have to compliment you again on this piece. I came back for another look and it is something every intelligent person has thought about since time began. We have no way of knowing and your thery has as much chance of being right as anybody else’s. And, Duff, we don’t know how many go’s we have at it. Maybe we go untill we get it right. Maybe we don’t have to get it right. Maybe we just need to live it as it is. You are writing serious stuff here. Maybe some day far in the future we will learn enough to figure it out.

  • Aauhein on Sep 28, 2009

    I think there’s a conspiracy going on. Ever notice that everything that moves poops? Chocolate star fish caves,hmmmm,interesting.

  • thestickman on Oct 27, 2009

    Funny! :-)

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