We have reports of a new national threat, one that could be right under our noses.

I speak of course, of the Crab people. They are a harrowing gaggle of bright read crustaceans whose thirst for conquest of the surface is unmatched.

Top Colorado geologists were on a routine survey mission in the eastern Rockies. They set up some sensor equipment – and what they found disturbed them.

“It was like, chanting, or something,” Says Colin Greenfield, 29 of Alpaca, Nebraska.

“I’ve never heard anything like it. I still have nightmares about it.”

 Deep seismic resonance wave emitting technology has picked up sounds which are believed to be Crab people.

“Thus far, we have been able to decipher that they call themselves the Crab people. Also, that they taste like crab, and talk like people.”

When asked of what the Crab people had planned for us, Greenfield did not hesitate.

“World Conquest, I guess.”

He did not offer further comment on the matter.

While little is known of the Crab people, it is safe to assume that they will infiltrate our societies through subcultures – by way of obtaining the skins of humans which they will wear as fleshy disguises. Also, that they have a great distaste for raison bread.

Needless to say we will keep you updated on the matter of these “Crab people”.

If you encounter a crab person, the easiest way to incapacitate them is by removing their eye stalks. But be wary of their snapping claws and wily tricks!