By Laird Chris Lilly

1. What do you mean infinite?

You’ve no doubt heard scientists and other bearded people talking about how big the universe is and squabbling to deity worshipers about how long everything took and evolution. While not exploring space and building an orbiting apartment, space scientists announced that the universe might still be expanding, or it might be infinite, or it might be a donut shape or it might in fact, be contracting. Meanwhile I was just trying to contemplate all these theories at once. If the universe is still expanding, what the hell is it expanding into? I’ve tried imagining nothing, it is, as my psychology teacher once pointed out, impossible. All you ever think of is either a white, grey or black void. While a void seems valid and logical, guess what, space is mostly a sparse black void, so it’s expanding into something that has the properties of something that’s less than nothing. At this point my frontal lobes melt trying to visualise and comprehend what that means.

I once assumed that reading something that Stephen Hawking had written might help me to understand, until someone pointed out that he doesn’t even know, so I tried to give up thinking about that theory and thought about how cool it would be if man did what Bill Hicks wanted instead. (Stop spending money on advertising and explore space forever with the money instead) Ok so Bill Hicks did drugs and that probably wouldn’t become a decent reality anyway, since it takes two whole years just to get to Mars. I think the only way that could become beneficial to mankind is that if someone figured out how to recreate the final scene in Total Recall. But that’s only Mars and space is really massive, travelling the vast distances between here and other galaxies will take longer than you have to spare. I guess I now like to think that one day all that could happen, I don’t know about you but against the thought of a bleak nothing or Armageddon, Star Trek is a ray of hope.

2. Sex on Wheels

I have to own a V-8 at some point; it’s my imperative as a male.

3. Half baked?