Well, I have come back today to just kinda vent, and bitch about what I feel is unfair through out this whole debacle I am going through.  There is just so much to vent about and complain about that it is hard to pick a place to start, so I think I will just list them:

1) Her Improvements-  I guess this is the best way to put it, but this is what I a getting at.  I really think it is unfair that after we break up, and every time we separate she improves her quality of life.  And I will first start with the materialistic side of her improvements.  While dating, she got to the point where she stopped keeping herself up.  She stopped wearing make up, she stopped wearing jewelry, she stopped shaving her legs regularly, she just plain stop caring about her appearance.  Now, let me qualify something.  I feel she has a natural beauty and she will always be beautiful to me, no matter what she does with her body.  But, I find it annoying that when we break up she starts wearing cute clothes again, starts waxing on a regular basis, starts going to dance classes to keep in better shape, and starts wearing jewelry again.  This really bothers me, and makes me wonder what I was doing or what I did to make her not want to keep up her appearances.  Or maybe she is just under the realization that now that she is back on the market she has to keep up her appearances.  I also wonder if it is a manipulative method.  But it also leads me to believe that with me she didn’t have something she needed to pursue these endeavors, and without me she has the strength or will power to do things like go to dance class.  It is like without me she is healing and becoming a better person.  I feel like I have spent the entirety of our relationship trying to help her blossom into what I know she will become, and it never came about.  But now that I am out of the picture she has the inner strength to become that person she was always meant to be…..but that is kinda of off topic.

2)  Friendship-  Why is it that when we separate we have a better relationship?  When we separate we can share more with each other, we talk more to each other, and we feel a little more free to share more of our feelings with each other.  I feel like I am more supportive of her when we are just friends.  I hate that.  I hate that it feels like we are better friends than we ever were lovers. 

3) Other People-  I hate the fact, and think it is totally unfair to me, that she is already looking into getting into another relationship with someone.  I support her, and wish her the best, and I actually think he is somewhat good for her because he already knows what she brings to the table and accepts that and doesn’t expect any more out of her.  I think she needs that currently.  But it hurts and is frustrating that she is already looking into getting into another relationship already.  They have already fooled around, but have not had sex…..yet.  That is only a matter of time.  And to make things worse, this guy has been a friend of hers for a long time.  He is one of those friends she turned to to receive the things she wasn’t getting from me (emotionally) while I was on the rig.  This is now the third or fourth guy she has done this with.  She hasn’t gotten physical with any of them, as far as I know, but it is like emotional cheating to me.  But, it makes me feel like this guy was a back up or something.  And I know he totally digs her too.  I fear for him a little because I know she is not looking for this to turn into a long lasting relationship, and I fear that he is….so he might get hurt in the long run dealing with her.

4) Love-  I know I have talked about this already in previous letters, but I still feel it.  I just can’t understand or I don’t want to believe that you can just fall out of love like this, or lose a love that was once so strong.  I guess it is something that you must maintain on a daily basis or else it will atrophy.  Reminds me of the Tool lyric in Schism, “Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.”  And right now I have lost a lot of compassion towards her because of the lack of communication between us.  And the more she tells me of how she shut down the more I feel betrayed and cold towards her plight.  When I see myself through the victim lens, I feel betrayed and that she is not good for me or healthy for me.  But, I just feel that I have been treated unfairly and that I don’t deserve to be shut out of the love of my life’s….life.  

5) Trust-  It is so unfair to me that I entered into a long term committed relationship with her, and dedicated my heart, soul, life and dreams to her completely and this is what she did to me in return.  I understand why she did this, but her reasons don’t excuse her actions.  I just can’t understand why she would break that trust with me.  I trusted her to come to me with her problems, to talk to me about her feelings, and to include me in her life.  She did none of those things.  She completely shut me out of her life.  She stopped sharing her feelings with me, and more importantly she didn’t share with me the most important feeling she was having.  I trusted her to talk to me when things got too hard for her, and when things were breaking down and when she was feeling helpless.  She only started talking to me when it was too late.  And she never quite made it clear to me that she was dying because of my work.  She told me she felt abandoned but never said she felt as if I wasn’t there emotionally as well as physically.  I thought it was just like a child feels abandoned when it’s parents leave the room when trying to put it asleep.  But, she didn’t tell me these things.  And that is a integral part of a relationship, the trust that she will talk to me when things are wrong or bad, or are making her uncomfortable.  That is what people do, and I can’t see how I can trust her because this is her modus operandi.  Whenever she feels trapped, scared, hurt, angry or any other negative emotion she shuts down.  And when she shuts down she shuts out the world, including me.  And this is the third time her shutting down has caused conflict with us.  First it was when she kissed Jared as a freshman in high school.  She shut down, and got scared so she lied to me for four years about her infidelity.  Second, she neglected to tell me she was still sleeping with an alternate partner when coming out of a separation.  We separated, she slept with another dude steady through the separation, but when we made the decision to work things out I told her she had to stop fooling around with this dude.  Well, she thought she would lose her friendship with this guy, and she felt a little pressure to continue with him…..so she did, but failed to mention that to me.  And thirdly, is the current situation.  She neglected to tell me that my offshore job was destroying her, and destroying our relationship.  So, it is unfair to me, and unfair to this relationship.  And I wonder after all this heartache if I could ever trust her again, or if that is something I am willing to work on getting back with my heart being so weak and hurt.

That is most of what I feel is unfair about what I am going through.  Extensive I know, but I kinda needed to get that out and into the open.