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“Bhagwan Naranikki Poonahesh Vishnaswani Tikkaji, I am your humble servant. If it pleases you my master can I describe to you a vision I had while meditating on your splendidness last night?”

  “You may my child”

“I saw that within me was a giant serpent – the serpent was trying to expel itself via my saffron stained date. What do you think this means my holy one?”

  “This is a significant sign indeed my beloved student. The serpent you describe is nothing more, but most significantly, the Kundalini energy. This is the very essence of the human spirit; the coil of energy that manifests in the base of the spine and is released upon attainment of self realisation. This is cause for joy my most handsome disciple.”

“But master, should not the dragon energy move up the spine and not out my curry flavoured bung hole?”

  “For the lesser student indeed this is so, but for the privileged not. I have paid special attention to you my most smooth skinned apprentice. It is not for nothing that I have disciplined you”.

“My most forceful master, is this why you personally observe me washing my body?”

  “Indeed my well toned devotee. You cannot obtain inner lightness when the outer body is soiled.”

“My sage, is it for this reason you personally instruct and observe me to perform my stretching exercises naked?”

  “My well buttocked pupil, as you know the body is a holy temple and the cosmic consciousness cannot reside in a house of disrepair and dust. I must ensure that your body is ready to receive the Holy Spirit with my guidance”

“But My guru, how does this relate to my vision of the serpent sliding out my ignorant chili donut?”

  “My fine and long legged follower, I have encouraged the serpent to leave your cocoa canal by depositing my holy sesame seeds within your spicy chundini every night. Your screams of pain were required to rid you of your remaining karma so as to let passage for the holy light to enter within. The blood spilt is not in vain. You have attained what very few students ever do – observation of the true nature of the universe.”

“My most trusted wielder of the holy phallic sword, are you saying that the nature of the universe is for the serpent to burst forth from the yogurt lined cackpipe of the universe?”

  “My most tight rearward believer, you are close in your summation but that is not quite correct. The universe exploded into being from a single point of energy. The serpent represents the explosion of matter from this single point of energy. The serpent leaving the creators toblerone tunnel is indeed the universe itself; it is the manifestation of energy into matter from a single violent eruption. The universe is nothing more than the explosive defecation of God!”

DISCLAIMER:

In no way is this article meant to trivialise the torment of those unfortunate souls caught in the middle of guru disciple trust abuse. In fact, see my upcoming book titled “Anal Action in the Ashram: An Unholy Communion” that promises to lift the lid on this potentially explosive and disgraceful practice occurring across all of the oriental. Of course there are many – and the majority – of spiritual retreats where the guru upholds the sacred trust, and indeed cares only for the physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing of their disciples.