By Laird Chris Lilly

A warning goes out; “you have three minutes to live!” what do you do? I’m sure you’ve been asked varying questions like that in your lifetime. What would or could you actually do? I’m sure everyone, well every man, has envisioned this dilemma, the outcome being that there would be, rather predictably, an attractive girl in the vicinity who would agree in sexual relations with you, based on the circumstances. You know very well that when the time comes there will only be same gender, old people and fuglies present. I wouldn’t bother getting too depressed on that thought since you may not even hear the warning in the first place.

You should probably take some comfort in the fact that we probably won’t see the end coming, if indeed it is a “quick one” such as an all-out nuclear war. I just hope that no-one actually has the balls to go through with that option since I know just what some of the effects will be for the survivors. Nuclear winter; glow in the dark snowmen, that’s just unnatural. So assuming we don’t annihilate ourselves over spilt milk and territorial disputes, I think we’re down to just trying to keep warming up the planet, which by the way it’s doing naturally anyway. The effects of which won’t be felt certainly within my lifetime. Although my personal opinion is that global anarchy could be a “quicker” end to us all when the oil runs out and we haven’t already utilised a different source of energy. Unless someone does soon-ish then we’ll be fine, my bet’s on Japan making a breakthrough first, just like that hydrogen powered car…

Eliminating ourselves from the equation and looking nearby you find the sun. Yes that huge nuclear fusion reaction that gives us light. Yes that thing, it could one day explode you know. Ok so it’s a few billion years off now, but 2012 is still a possibility remember. When our sun eventually dies it’ll expand out, incinerating and enveloping the earth, no one cares beyond that point. 2012 tells the tale of the planets lining up and the magnetic pull, or something, becomes intolerable for the earth because it is heating up causing its mantle to become unstable, but not the cool “letting itself go, getting shit-faced and partying all the time” kind of unstable. No the “Christian Bale shooting verbal bullets at someone for messing up” kind of unstable. I’m going to laugh at that because even if it turns out to be true very few people will be left to mock me.