Today, my three and a half year old son kissed me slowly allll over my face, giggling afterwards because he kissed my eyebrows and he thought it was hilarious. What gets me is how SO very sweet and affectionate he was, yet made me crack up at the same time. I do the same thing when I care for someone.

It breaks my heart every single day that he doesn’t have a male role model to look up to on a constant basis. I want to cry my bloody guts out just thinking about it. He deserves a father..and until one day that I hope with every inch of me he has ..he will know how I feel inside..the lonely emptiness. It sickens me.

 I’m honestly terrified because as good of a parent I KNOW I am..it is NOT enough. This world is a heartbreaking place and I want to teach him regardless of how other people are that he is still his own person and can make the right decisions. I know for a FACT if he had that male role model in his life he could because I see that part of him that is in me. UGH..and I can’t do anything about it! All I can do is give him the best of me. I don’t want him to make bad decisions in the future because of the lack of attention he deserves or belief in what was shown before him. Okay..more tears.

 It is weighing on my heart so much right now. I’m overwelmed because I am on my own in this. I am the perfect person built for this..but why must the right person for the challenge still have so many obstacles? I allow myself to feel defeat everyday, even when my son is behaving and happy. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so hard on myself? I need more love because I don’t have much in store for myself..it’s been taken away from me. Now I give all of me to my entire world, Noah.